Archive for January, 2005

interesting things

I admit I’ve never kept up with politics. But I like to read all the threads over at HawaiiThreads just because, and when reading through the American Asylum part, I learn so many things, and consequently spend hours trying to research what is being said. For example, in The Bush Watch, there are many things about Bush and 9/11 and Iraq…and they’re pretty scary. I wonder how many are true? I remember seeing a tv show about how the govt has been covering up being on the moon, and I have to say scientifically, yeah that all makes sense. But why hasn’t anyone else really believed it? I mean, I’d think there’d be a big outcry, but there was nary a peep after that show aired. With all these things out there about how the govt is covering up Bush dealings…hmmm…why isn’t this being reported on TV? Let those 51% see what they voted for…

Pretty sad.

getting over it

*sigh*

i just the other day wrote about sucky customers the other day…and what happens to me yesterday? just when i thought i was so over it too.

i mean, it’s been almost a year. you’d think all the hurt would be gone by now. i’d slowly been getting braver and braver in trekking into that town–i stayed away from there for so long, even though i have family there, specifically to avoid these people who made my life a hell a year ago. i slowly began going out more there…slowly began stepping out than hiding and slinking behind. yesterday i was even so bold as to go onto the other team’s side (i was at a baseball game) even though i knew that several of those SCs might have been there. i thought i was over it so i didn’t really think of it.

then it happened. i heard my name spat out, with such venom. i looked over and saw 4 of them, huddled together, glaring at me. it all came back. they very loudly complained about me, saying how they had to go to my boss over and over to “get rid of” me, how i was so horrible, how i made *their* lives difficult…sigh. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. you can’t tell me they didn’t see me, because i heard my name very clearly, as did my sister, who was sitting next to me, and we were just about 2 feet away. i was heartbroken again. all those awful feelings i felt last year…all came back. HARD. i sat down, i felt like the wind was knocked out of me. those comments replayed in my mind all night, and all today.

why can’t i let it go?!?! i have no idea why 😦 i mean, i watch dr phil. and he says that we do things over and over because there’s some kind of reward for it. he has the example of not slamming the door on your hand because you know it hurts. but what is my reward?!?! why am i doing this over and over to myself? i’m not getting sympathy from anyone. it’s hurting me because i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i mess up my cycles. it’s *not* good. i don’t want to keep doing this. but i don’t know why. it just replays in my mind over and over and over, and i can’t get it out. why? why can’t i be like someone who doesn’t let such things bother them–water off a duck’s back? why must mine stick out of my side, a huge splinter in a gaping wound, encrusted with salt? why?

i can understand that they may have been dissatisfied with me. i am not perfect by far. i have a lot to learn. i just don’t know why my name is still being spat with such hatred, a year later…and why it still hurts me. they just don’t realize the pain they cause. and yes they might’ve been mad at me for screwing everything up in their precious little lives…but i just think there were other ways to go about it than the way they did, if they really were dissatisfied, if they stopped to think that there was a real person, with real feelings, that was the subject of their hate. i’m so protective of my feelings and heart when it comes to relationships–why can’t i do that to just casual acquaintances, and they’re not even that…they’re SCs! sigh. i don’t know what’s wrong with me and why i keep punishing myself like this. i need to get over it.

but i just don’t know how.

rude part 3

Wow, I thought I was the only one who noticed the rudeness of people around me, and even began thinking that maybe I am overly sensitive. I thought I needed thicker skin.

Until I saw this site when it popped up on google after I tried to find lyrics to a song. Someone had the words I was looking for in their sig…not what I was looking for, but the comment before it intrigued me enough to click on it and see what it’s about. WOW. All those same rude people, all over the country! I read it and felt much less alone, and grateful to not be working in retail. Like I said before, I even saw it at Safeway one day. I felt like I didn’t have much to complain about, because retail people must see it every day! sigh.

I still don’t know what happened to us, as people. I mean, we’re always constantly teaching our kids to be polite … yet we cannot do it ourselves? The way the parents talked to me…they’d never want their kids to talk to me that way, yet they were? The kids get to see their parents swearing at or being rude to the retail person and that’s what they learned. Then when the kids do it in school and get busted, the parents get mad and say that they don’t teach their children that, so they must’ve picked it up from school. Oh really?

Are we that stressed that we must take it out on anyone and everyone in the way?!?!?! Even people who don’t mean to be in the way, but are just doing their job?

Anyway, reading through those forums really made me aware of how I may act — I’ve never told off a salesperson, but you can bet I’m going to be extra polite now. I demand this from my boy, I must set the example for him to follow. And if that makes a poor, hardworking salesperson feel better, especially after being railed by a rude person… Granted, these people are much better at brushing it off than I am, but they don’t deserve to be chewed out either, especially for what they’re paid.

It’s quite an eye-opener for me.

already?

okay i like far better reading everyone else’s blogs on hawaiistories, but i guess i have to try and write in here as it is already the 7th day and i did not even write in my blog yet! oh well.

the break sure flew by…i didn’t get to do anything i wanted to. a lot was devoted just to the hecticness of christmas and cleaning for new year. i did have an “extra” week than most but really spent it recovering from christmas and new year! i haven’t felt so lazy in ages.

i’ve been surfing the web a LOT. just seeing interesting things that are going on. reading a lot of the links from hawaiithreads…pretty interesting stuff! and my mind is just wandering again…dreaming of what could’ve been, as i go and look up stuff from people in my past. sigh. i’ve got to stop doing that and get up and at em…but i guess in my dreaming, i can’t get hurt. i really need dr. phil bad i think! hehe. i need to be “woken up” so to speak.

well back to work on monday and it just seems like i did nothing i wanted to for work either. i’ll have to work extra hard on monday to get ready for tuesday. i don’t want it to come already! sigh. i still need a rich husband so i don’t need to work anymore! ….. see how badly i need dr. phil? i can imagine the scoldings he’d give me. hehe.

well back to dreaming…maybe i’ll get something done tomorrow…as my whole mantra was this break. next one in another 3 months! hooray?