i just the other day wrote about sucky customers the other day…and what happens to me yesterday? just when i thought i was so over it too.
i mean, it’s been almost a year. you’d think all the hurt would be gone by now. i’d slowly been getting braver and braver in trekking into that town–i stayed away from there for so long, even though i have family there, specifically to avoid these people who made my life a hell a year ago. i slowly began going out more there…slowly began stepping out than hiding and slinking behind. yesterday i was even so bold as to go onto the other team’s side (i was at a baseball game) even though i knew that several of those SCs might have been there. i thought i was over it so i didn’t really think of it.
then it happened. i heard my name spat out, with such venom. i looked over and saw 4 of them, huddled together, glaring at me. it all came back. they very loudly complained about me, saying how they had to go to my boss over and over to “get rid of” me, how i was so horrible, how i made *their* lives difficult…sigh. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. you can’t tell me they didn’t see me, because i heard my name very clearly, as did my sister, who was sitting next to me, and we were just about 2 feet away. i was heartbroken again. all those awful feelings i felt last year…all came back. HARD. i sat down, i felt like the wind was knocked out of me. those comments replayed in my mind all night, and all today.
why can’t i let it go?!?! i have no idea why 😦 i mean, i watch dr phil. and he says that we do things over and over because there’s some kind of reward for it. he has the example of not slamming the door on your hand because you know it hurts. but what is my reward?!?! why am i doing this over and over to myself? i’m not getting sympathy from anyone. it’s hurting me because i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i mess up my cycles. it’s *not* good. i don’t want to keep doing this. but i don’t know why. it just replays in my mind over and over and over, and i can’t get it out. why? why can’t i be like someone who doesn’t let such things bother them–water off a duck’s back? why must mine stick out of my side, a huge splinter in a gaping wound, encrusted with salt? why?
i can understand that they may have been dissatisfied with me. i am not perfect by far. i have a lot to learn. i just don’t know why my name is still being spat with such hatred, a year later…and why it still hurts me. they just don’t realize the pain they cause. and yes they might’ve been mad at me for screwing everything up in their precious little lives…but i just think there were other ways to go about it than the way they did, if they really were dissatisfied, if they stopped to think that there was a real person, with real feelings, that was the subject of their hate. i’m so protective of my feelings and heart when it comes to relationships–why can’t i do that to just casual acquaintances, and they’re not even that…they’re SCs! sigh. i don’t know what’s wrong with me and why i keep punishing myself like this. i need to get over it.
but i just don’t know how.