Archive for September, 2005

One Lonely Star

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older…

There are songs that just go over and over and over in my mind… (oh great, now I got Nelly’s song going on in my mind! hehe) … and no matter what, I just can’t shake it from my thoughts.

For the past few days, I just could not get the song “Take a Bow” out of my head. Why? It’s not the greatest song in the world. In fact, it’s not even my most favorite Madonna song (that goes to “Get Into the Groove” or “Crazy For You”, when I’m feeling romantic). But its sad and lonely melody keeps playing in my head.

There’s no one here
There’s no one here, there’s no one in the crowd

And the funny thing is that I can’t even stand to listen to that song, especially when it was popular, or just after it. It made me cry. Not just sniffling, teary eyed cries, but huge, heaving sobs. In fact, for years after, I could not listen to that song. I couldn’t even watch the video (so I never got it when people were saying that her video was weird…). Only recently could I stand to listen to the song. Sure, my heart still twangs at hearing it…but I found out the other day, I could actually sing all the words without so much as a tear forming. Well, okay, my eyes were moist, but no tear dripped down my cheek! ;P

I’ve always been in love with you
I guess you’ve always known it’s true
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say goodbye

At the time I was engaged. I personally didn’t see the rush–I was still in college and figuring out what I had wanted to do in life. But my fiance insisted. We were meant to be, he kept telling me. It’s never going to be as right as it is now. So I agreed, and we had made all these plans. I was actually in the process of writing out invitations. My hands were sore from writing, so I decided to take a break. I went to the computer and checked my e-mail.

And there it was…an e-mail…from my fiance.

All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story’d go
How was I to know you’d break…
You’d break my heart

It was titled, “The show is over, say goodbye.” He had some short thing about moving back home, he didn’t think it was going to work out between us. And he ended it his email with the same line… “The show is over, say goodbye.”

Say your lines, but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say
When there’s no one around

I never heard from him again. Not in person, not through email. He disappeared. But with that hastily-written note, he left a line that would forever haunt me…“The show is over, say goodbye.” That line pierced my core and its pain lingered for days, months…years. How? I had no answers. I checked with his friends, they were just as shocked as I was. He just left me with no explanation but he was going back home and it wasn’t working out. I didn’t know what I did. I didn’t know what I had said. I didn’t know what it was that was wrong, so even how to fix it…and perhaps that was what hurt the most. One day it was there, and the next day…gone. And I had no idea why or even how. I almost wanted to hear that it was another girl, or something…some kind of reason for it to just be over with like that. But I got nothing. Nothing but a big broken heart and an intense dislike of hearing the one song that made me think of that heartache.

It comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you’re breaking my heart
Hide behind your smile…

The thing was…he had quoted the song, I guess meaning to pick up on the “it’s over. goodbye” part without having to say much more. However, when looking over the lyrics, I saw that it actually applied more to me, than it did to him. I was the one who thought it was all a show with him. He played me well. Made me believe that he actually loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But I think it was just a stage thing for him. And I really did not know that our relationship would take the turn it did–it totally caught me offguard. How was I to know which way the story’d go? How was I to know he’d break my heart?

Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you’re one lonely star

That was over ten years ago. I’ve grown since then and actually went through two similar relationships where we were almost up to the altar…then they bagged on me. One, the exact same way, through email. The other at least had the guts to tell me to my face. Now…I survive on my own. Much more cautious than before…but I’m doing well. I’m glad I can finally have the song back, with just a sad remembrance (as compared to sobbing so hard it made my head hurt). I just wonder why it’s popped into my head so often lately. Is it an anniversary of something? It’s been so long ago that I don’t even remember any more.

Music has always been important in my life, tied to very strong emotions. It can make me deliriously happy (“Fly”), strangely reminiscent (“If You Leave”), or very sad (“Take a Bow”). I sometimes wonder, out of all the songs I hear now…how many of them will become so emotion-ridden as “Take a Bow” was for me. You just never know when it will be tied to you, what will jump out at you to make it memorable…

Maybe even through an e-mail…

Say goodbye…

One of Those Days…

My gosh, ever have one of those days?

Well, yeah, stupid question, everyone does.

I knew it, too. So I wonder if in part I kinda jinxed myself? You know how you’re so consumed with that thought that you just can’t do anything *but* what you’re hoping not to do?

It all started off early this morning. Of course, it’s a Monday. Mondays are always filled with dread, having to go back to work after a hectic weekend. You feel like you didn’t get to rest at all! Anyway, I woke up to my alarm, and promptly pressed “SLEEP.” I did that 3 times (each 9 minutes apart) before I finally dragged my lazy butt out of bed.

I stumbled to the kitchen to make my lunch for the day. I felt a soft “lump” at the edge of my foot after taking a step, and saw something scuttle away. Eww! It was a lizard. Had I stepped on it? I couldn’t see anything else that could’ve been that soft lump. And it was only the edge of my foot, not like I stomped right on it. I thought maybe I just grazed it or something. It had ran off and disappeared behind a box, so I assumed that it was alright. I went on to make my lunch.

I then went to the parlor to put my lunch in my bag and turned back to go to my room to change. There, right in the middle of the hallway, a lizard crawled, out from behind a box. Oh my gosh! There was something red sticking out of its head. I wasn’t sure if it was its mouth open, or a tongue sticking out? I froze as it flopped right in the middle of the hallway, dramatically dying right before my eyes. UGH! Obviously, this was the one I “stepped” on, and I had obviously hurt it. I don’t know whether I broke its jaw…and its mouth was wide open like that…or if that was his tongue…or what…I couldn’t really look at it…but the way it just stumbled out, flicked its head up and down limply and then just…expired right there in front of me… MAN! Why couldn’t it have done that behind the box? Why right in front of me, and so dramatically? I felt like I was watching an overdramatic actor doing a death scene, the way it staggered and flopped its head around, that red thing flashing here and there. Then it went still. All while I watched. My heart broke.

I stepped around it to get to my room so I could change my clothes. All I could see in my mind was its staggering to the overdramatic death. Over and over again. I got ready and out of the house…trying not to look at it as I passed, but can’t help but peeking to see, yup, it was no longer moving. (I still can’t look at it to see what the heck that red thing was.)

So now I’m heartbroken while I’m driving. I killed a lizard. It’s not like a measly little bug which I can swat at easily. A lizard has a heart and brains and guts and blood and … man. It affected me. I knew it was going to haunt me and it was going to be a terrible day. I wondered if it was an omen. The mo’o, afterall, is an ‘aumakua of my dad’s side…and I just killed one…

The day started off okay. I actually got to work a bit early today, when the past few days I’ve been cutting it close. It gave me time to go through all I had planned for today. But little lizard was still on my mind.

Then it began. I got a call that I’ll be getting a new student today. Great, I thought. Now I’m up to 26. Cut off is supposed to be at 20! I have no extra desks, no mailbox space (mine only goes up to 25) … and I had tons of stuff to prep for the child. But I go ahead prepping anyway. Have to, what else can you do?

My class is very helpful, and the kids were happy to hear we will have a new student. We waited but the child didn’t show up. So we went on to morning business.

About 20 minutes later, I hear a commotion outside…so I go and find out it’s my new student, screaming and throwing a tantrum outside because he did not want to come in class. His mother was trying to push him in the classroom so I took him, and he shoved me away, and ran out, crying. I had to grab him and bring him back in. His mom asked if it was okay for her to leave, and I told her, yes, leave, I got him, he’ll be fine. As he’s kicking me and fighting me to go back to his mom. So she left, and the boy slipped out of my arms and ran, so I grabbed him by the backpack, afraid to hurt him. He shoved me away and ran, so I grabbed his shirt. I realized his mom was still standing outside, even though I told her to leave. So I let him go, and he ran to his mom, crying and throwing himself down and I’m all out of breath, with the rest of my kids staring. No amount of talking with this kid would get him in the class, so his mom said she’ll sit down with him in class. So he came in, and of course, she tells him to color and he calms down in about 15 minutes and colors and then his mom leaves. But the boy refuses to listen to me. Will not put away his crayons, so of course, the other kids are like, why can’t we color too? I call him over, he ignores me. I talk to him, he deliberately looks away. GREAT, I thought. Just great.

So all morning was a struggle with him. Refused to even look at me. Refused to do any work, but color. Ignored every single thing I asked of him. We walked to lunch, and he started picking up rocks and slinging them at other kids. So I yell at him and pull him aside, and he refuses to acknowlege anything I tell him. I had to bend down and literally get right in front of his face to tell him to stop throwing rocks. He rolls his eyes at me and looks away, with a smirk on his face. Oooo, a defiant one. Terrific.

In the afternoon, it was the same thing. Totally ignored me, though now he was vocal, swearing and taunting the other children. I began to develop a throbbing headache.

After school, I went to pick up my own son. Of course, I’m blocked in. It’s just that kind of day. I have to wait 15 minutes for someone to mosey on back to their car, giving me the stink eye for making them move the car, when they had the nerve to double-park behind me, when there were other open spaces. I hate that.

So already late, I’m off to my son’s school to pick him up…and there’s an accident. I think. LOTS of traffic. Finally we move, and I’m able to go and pick up my worried son, wondering why I’m so late.

Then of course, my car acts up. Starts up and dies. Again and again. Finally, it gets going. Only today, I thought.

I told my son we deserved an ice cream or some treat since it was so hot. We went to McDonalds. They are out. I look through my coupons and find something else to order. I get to the window and give my coupon. They don’t know how to handle it. Cars are starting to beep their horns as I wait at that first window for them to figure out how to put the coupon into the register. I’m so ashamed.

I finally get my change and then on to the 2nd window to get the food. My headache is full-blown at this time, and I think, okay I have to cool down, so I started to reach for my shake. No straw. sigh.

I take off the cover of the shake so I can sip it. Of course you know what happens next. Some fool drives through the intersection against the red and right into the path of me, who has a green light. I swerve…and that’s right, chocolate shake all over me and the car and the window…

The fool driving through the intersection has the nerve to yell at me before driving off, laughing.

I get home. I get out of my car…and cannot find the $10 bill of the $13 change I got back, which I put on the seat next to me as I drove away…I found the $3 just fine…but no $10! And I know I saw the $10 when she handed it to me. Where did it go? I searched the whole car…it totally disappeared. *grumble*

So I get home. Only to be greeted by that dead lizard still in the hallway. I don’t know how it’s going to get moved because I cannot even bear to look at it. I step around it, change out of my chocolate-shake-stained dress, and take a shower, of course, stubbing my toe on the scale and bonking my head on the shower head. sigh

Now I’m in bed, hopefully “safe.” I hope tomorrow is better. I already have asked the counselors to be at the classroom tomorrow so they can help me in case that kid throws another tantrum. I just hope it’s not all downhill from here! As I snuggle into bed, I try to think happy thoughts for tomorrow.

All to the tune of a lizard, vocalizing, somewhere in my room. Mourning for his lost family member? Or laughing at me, his revenge carried out? Who knows. His clicks repeat though, echoing throughout the quiet night, reminding me, every note piercing through to my heart. Click…click…click…

AYBABTU

The things you find on the internet!

I was looking for something to put on the blog that was “fun” like the Battle Cry thing so I decided to search on Google. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what to search for. What do you call it? I typed in fun blog things and of course, got a bunch of sex sites. I tried fun blog programs and didn’t get much either. I decided to drop the “fun” but then I got a whole bunch of stuff that didn’t pertain. So I decided to search by “paste into your blog” since that was the instruction to the Battle Cry one.

Lots of stuff came up and there was one thing called “GoMeme“. It was a social thing about minding the planet that people wanted to pass on through their blogs, “an experimentation in meme propagation”. I had no idea what a “meme” was. So I typed in meme at Wikipedia.org.

From there, I found …

In casual use, the term meme often refers to any piece of information passed from one mind to another. This usage more closely resembles the analogy of “language as a virus” than Dawkins’ analogy of memes as replicating units. This definition has come into popular use on the Internet to refer to phenomena such as Obey Giant, “All your base are belong to us”, Blogebrity and Icy Hot Stuntaz.

(Click on the link to find the whole definition, and even the origin)

So I wanted to check out the other “memes”. I had never heard of Obey Giant but it seems to come up in various movies or TV…I must’ve missed it, I’m not that observant and can never see all the movie mistakes some can point out (I love visiting that site, but that’s another entry…)

The next one was weird. All Your Base Are Belong To Us (AYBABTU) is an “internet phenomenon” from 2001. What? How did I miss that?! I’ve been glued to the internet since 1993, when I first got addicted to MUDs. I was definitely always on the internet in 2001 because that’s the year I was pregnant and was constantly surfing to find out answers to all my questions. How did I miss the AYBABTU? (It said Icy Hot Stuntaz was also out in 2001, but I never heard of them, either! Where was I?)

AYBABTU is a phrase that people put into pictures to make it seem like a part of the picture…like a street sign or protestors…you’ll always find that phrase somewhere in the picture, either subtly hidden, or plainly obvious. (er…are those redundant? I need to go study English again!). You can see examples at this site, where you can see a Flash animation on it. I have to say though…the song is creepy because it sticks into my head. Even after watching that and going to DLS to get a blood test, I still heard that song in my mind, over and over … “All your base … are belong to us” over and over … aaaahh! Thought I was going crazy. I expected to find the words on the posters on the wall or even the needle itself…

Seriously though, how did I miss it? I must’ve not been hanging out in the right forums! 😉 But it’s weird where the internet takes you as you surf through this link and that…you find some bizarre stuff that soon infiltrates your brain and never wants to leave!!!

[robotic voice] All your base… [/robotic voice]