Archive for June, 2007

rated PG

What's My Blog Rated? From Mingle2 - Online Dating

Mingle2Online Dating

yes, yes, i moved all these kinda things to the other blog, but i had to try it on this one. can you believe i’m rated PG because i used the word “limbs” twice, and the word “pain” once? the heck?


remembering . . .

i had written this two months ago, but never posted it, as i wrote it more for therapy. the hurt is still there, but i thought i’d go ahead and publish it, just to remember. i thought about adding more to the ending, as it was just abruptly cut off, because i couldn’t finish it…but maybe later. it’s still too hard to think about.

– * – * – * – * – * – * – * – * – * – * – * – * – * – * – * –

it was a cold, dreary afternoon. i especially noticed the clouds rolling in from the mountains, as i sat in my crinkly nylon blue chair, on the sidelines of the soccer field. i was watching my son do his soccer drills, but couldn’t keep my eyes from drifting upwards towards the mountains. the clouds were all different shades of gray–huge, heavy clouds, slowly shifting, changing, crawling towards us.

the air was especially chilly, and i wished i brought my sweater with me. i snuggled up in my chair and continued to watch my son, though the thoughts in my head kept me from being warm. after the practice, we were planning on going to the graveyard to visit the grave of a close family friend, who had died a year ago that day. it was very hard, as i still get very weepy thinking of her. she was very good to me, and just adored my son, treating him as if he was her own grandchild, often remarking how he reminded her of her own son. we were upset at her passing, and it was very hard to face her son after that, too–for the longest time, it was just her and her son, and when she left us, her son just crumbled. i couldn’t look at him without crying, to see the hurt upon his face. i know if i ever lost my mother, that would be the end of the world for me, so how much worse it was for him, because she was his only family. he never knew his father or even his grandparents, and he has no siblings. it was going to be hard to go to the grave again, but i knew we had to. she was very special to us. so these thoughts were going through my head, as well as the image of her son, looking so lost, the day of her funeral. it took everything to keep me from bawling right there on the soccer field.

after practice, we drove to the graveyard. as we walked out, the air hit me and chilled me to the bone. i stared at each headstone we walked by, wondering what the story was for each person, reading names and noticing the dates, then quickly calculating to find the ages. after initially getting lost, we finally found her grave. there were tons of flowers all around her graveyard. it made me a little happy to see that others had been there before, also showing their respect. she was very much loved. we managed to squeeze our flowers in, took some time to just reflect and remember, before saying goodbye through sniffles and tears, and taking the long journey back to the car. we were huddled together in the chilly air, yet i felt so alone, too. my mind started spinning into the morbid territory it gets into every once and in a while, and i thought, i have to change. my head was already aching from the crying; i had to start thinking happy thoughts.

she introduced us to her cousin and husband about 3 years ago. her cousin was very artistic but very driven–knows what she wants and won’t stop until she gets it. her husband was very personable, though at times, i couldn’t tell if he was joking or being serious. they were starting their own business and wanted to know about websites, so i was recommended to talk with them by her cousin, our close family friend. i started up a little website for them, and since then, we were pretty close, with her emailing me every now and then, asking for help, or for certain tweaks here and there. i would go to their home on the steep, sloping hill, stepping gingerly, afraid of slipping and sliding down the hill. they were so nice to me, very generous people. her husband, especially, took a liking to my son, as they bonded over their knowledge of dinosaurs. he missed his granddaughter, who lived on the mainland, and whom he rarely got to see, so he loved it whenever we came over, so he could spend the time with my son. he was also very close to our family friend, always teasing and joking with her. he took it hard when she passed on, but was also such a strong support for her son. he really helped her son with funeral arrangements and tying up the loose ends. so naturally, being up at the grave made me think of them in my desperate attempt to keep my mind from going into the morbid abyss it’ll go to every once in a while. as i drove home, i thought to myself, i better go email them and check to see how they’re doing, since i hadn’t see them in a while. i was thinking we could visit soon, since i was sure he must be missing my son–they had a lot to catch up on with their dinosaur talk.

instead, when i got home, i went right to sleep. i was still recovering from my bug so i was feeling exhausted, not to mention the crying i did earlier really caused my head to ache. i just wanted to snuggle up under the blankets, feel cozy and warm, and drift off to sleep. i wanted to feel safe, and didn’t want to be up thinking of death. i didn’t even bother to stay up for lost, which i normally would’ve fought the sleep for. i just wanted to feel that warm, fuzzy feeling. i quickly fell asleep.

the next day was a typical day of work, and though very tired, i was looking forward to the long weekend. i came home happy, even though i was tired, thinking that i would have a nice break. i settled down into bed and burrowed under the covers, turned on the tv, and had me a nice, hot bowl of stew. i felt content.

the phone rang. it was my mom’s number, but i wasn’t too worried, because we were supposed to stop by the next day, and i figured she was just calling to see what time we were going to be over. but it was my sister, and the tone of her voice made me panic. i thought something happened to my mom. but then she asked if i was watching the news, and then i just heard “…died.” so i was thinking of celebrities, presidents, stuff like that…why else would it be on the news? but i couldn’t figure out what would make her so upset like that? then she quickly passed me off to my mom, because she had to leave, and my mom then came on and told me what happened.

i was in shock. what? not? how? but…? my mom said she saw it on the 5pm news and that’s how she found out, and i should watch the 6pm news to see. i really did not want to believe it, thinking she must’ve heard wrong. because how? why? no way…

but sadly, she hadn’t heard wrong. they showed the house, the very same house i’d walk down to slowly, afraid to slip. they interviewed a neighbor who confirmed the news. tears started to stream down my face. but he can’t! no! he was young! and on the day after the one year anniversary of his wife’s cousin’s death? the one he was really broken up over, and really helped out her son? suddenly, my thoughts turned to her son. how was he going to take the news? i couldn’t believe it.

i went to bed that night very depressed. i remained in the fetal position under my blankets for a long, long time, thinking about life and how quickly it can be gone. the next day, we went to visit his wife. between the tears, she talked about all her regrets, including not even hearing the accident happen, and not finding him until later. she worried about him dying alone; she fretted about the numerous times she told him not to go down there; she remembered fondly how he promised to fix up the house for her; but most of all, she wondered how she was going to keep going on in a world without him. he was handling all the financial part of their business, but not only that–he kept her grounded, and he was her knight in shining armor when her life was spiralling out of control.

he will be sorely missed. he was a generous, good man, taken too soon. rest in peace.

not the best, buy and by

i only had 2 questions. just 2. i expected to get the answers to them, and then walk out, not taking more than 10 minutes of my already precious vacation time. 😛

i had only been to Best Buy a few times, always with my sister. every time we’ve gone, we were always approached by many workers, asking if we needed help or had any questions. they always seemed to be around.

yesterday my sister had a dentist appointment, but had some errands to be done, and wasn’t sure she’d be up to doing them after her appointment. i volunteered to do them, because, hey, i can. i’m on vacation 😀 yay! i dropped her off at the dentist office, then went about doing things like visiting the post office and dropping off things for a friend. the last stop was to go to Best Buy to inquire about a router she had purchased the day before that had a “missing module” and to get a video game that was coming out that day. i drove over, and my son and i walked in, thinking we’d be fast, then we’d get to stop for lunch after all we had done (it was already past noon). i walked over to the video games, but the game wasn’t there. so i walked over to the routers. there were two workers standing around, so i went straight to the router my sister had purchased, picked it up, and walked over to them so i could ask a question about the “missing module” of that specific router. before i got there, someone came and started talking to one of them. the other turned and left. so i stood there and waited for that first person to be done. however, that woman was complaining really loudly (and when she later mentioned where she was from, i thought, no wonder. yes. i’m still bitter!) and i actually felt bad for that worker. so i decided to look for the other worker that was talking to him earlier. i found him at the end of an aisle, but again, someone approached him just ahead of me, and he walked away with her. *sigh*

so i walked back to where the first worker was, and his disgruntled customer left, and he looked me in the eye. i smiled sympathetically at him, and then held up the box i was holding and started to open my mouth to ask the question, when he turned away and walked off. i called out, “excuse me!” after him, but he kept walking. fine, i thought. he needed a break after that last customer. so i waited around the geek squad desk.

and waited. and waited. several workers came up, but as soon as i stepped toward them and said, “excuse me,” they turned and walked away. that happened a total of 5 times. i wondered if i was not saying “excuse me” loud enough? several of them made eye contact with me, but then would just turn and walk away. i was like, geez.

we waited for 35 minutes, before i decided just to wait in line at the customer service desk. someone was going to help me, right? but the person in front of me at the desk was up there a loooooong time. and it didn’t seem like the worker at the desk was hurrying along, either, just calmly typing things into the computer. the two didn’t even seem to be talking; she just waiting, he just typing. my son was getting restless and was complaining he was hungry. i kept telling him we’d go get lunch as soon as they helped us. i only had one question about a router, and one question about the game. that was all. it shouldn’t take that long, right?

25 minutes later, we were still in line, that lady still at the desk, that worker still typing on the computer. he didn’t even acknowledge me in line. i finally realized i’d been at the store for an hour. i got out of line and went to search for a worker, any worker!

i went back to the video game section, and there was a worker, beeping in things with a scanner she was holding. i approached her and said, “excuse me.” she looked up at me and turned and walked away, scanner still in hand. uhh?

i followed her down the aisle, and she turned up the next aisle and kept walking. i thought, gee, you want me to chase you? so i stopped. she turned back down the aisle she was originally in and continued to beep in things. i looked at my son and asked him if i looked scary or something? i went back down the aisle and again, she left, before i could even open my mouth. FINE.

i walked back to the router place. there was a worker there, straightening up the boxes on the shelf. i walked up to him, and i was still holding the box in my hand, and so i held it up and said, “excuse me, i had a quest…” but didn’t get to finish it because he too high-tailed it out of there. i was like, what is going on?!??!?!

frustrated, i slammed the box back on the shelf, and told my son, “let’s GO.” i know that every time i’ve left Best Buy, the greeter person would always ask if we found everything we need, and thank us for coming to the store. i was set to tell him when he asked if we found everything, “no, i couldn’t find anyone to help me!” i walked to the exit, passing by the customer service desk, with the same woman waiting and the same worker still there typing. what the heck was he helping her with?!?!

i got to the exit, and the greeter looked at me, but no smile, or anything. he too turned away and started to fix the flyers that were on the table. i actually stood there for a few seconds, waiting, but he pretended the flyers were more important. *sigh* i told my son, “let’s just go.” we left, without doing anything that my sister had wanted done there, and went to lunch.

what was it? i had no idea. i was dressed fine. not raggedy or unkempt. my hair was neatly pulled back into a ponytail. i had nothing hanging out of my nose or in my teeth. i smelled like powder. i couldn’t figure out why i was repelling all the help away? do they only help us when my sister’s around, because my sister is cute and slim and wears fitted clothes? when someone “regular” comes in, if you could even call it that, does that not warrant enough attention for them to help out?

did they think i could not afford anything? did they think i already knew what i wanted (even though i stood there with that box for a long, long time, rather than just going up to purchase it, if i had known that’s what i wanted…)? do i give off a “i’ll-bite-your-head-off-if-you-talk-to-me” kind of vibe? okay, maybe i do, but i swear, i smiled sweetly at all the workers and made eye contact with all of them. i wasn’t frowning or glaring, even though that’s what i felt like, inside.

anyway, after spending nearly 1 hour and 15 minutes being totally ignored, i felt almost embarrassed, humiliated even. like i didn’t even warrant a “can i help you?” from a worker that my sister always gets when she goes. it left me so self-conscious, checking myself in the car’s window reflection, to make sure i looked okay. i’m used to feeling invisible–heck, i even work at it, at times, which surprises people, considering my profession. 😛 but after being ignored like that, when it was obvious (at least to me) that i was actually *seeking out* help, made me all self-conscious and feeling like i’m not even worth being *asked* if i needed help, unlike my sister who had workers tripping over themselves to help her…i was just like, wow. i don’t ever want to go back there again.

i know that one worker had to deal with a grumbly customer, and i could understand him wanting a break. i know sometimes people have bad days. i know things can get busy. i know sometimes people do know what they want and don’t need the help. i know i can be scary-looking.


i only had 2 questions. just 2.