Archive for November, 2007

cool as toothpaste

i couldn’t get the song out of my head for the past few weeks so i looked it up on itunes and someone commented that it was “cool as toothpaste.” that’s a first! anyway found a instructional video for the dance on youtube. wish i had this 2 weeks ago!

and because i thought this was hilarious, here’s the ellen version:

yes, i was going to rebel. but i wanted a badge 😉 and this song reminds me of this journal anyway because it’s hard to understand and it goes on and on and on and on … 😛

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more random thoughts at the bus stop

the dsl is acting wonky again. or maybe it’s the airport. either way i’m stuck with this again. well might as well do something while i’m waiting.

he got another notice of concern after monday’s incident. i am very worried what this will do to his record.

how can people run for fun? a lot of people run by this park, and i just don’t see the joy in it? we had to run 15K for our p.e. requirement in high school and i’ve just never looked at it fondly, i guess, especially whenever we had to run the hill. but i feel like such a slob sitting here waiting while they’re all running circles around me.

gosh, the way that lady is walking looks so painful. yet it looks like she’s got far to go.

heehee for that last thought i had a typo for each word for the autocorrect to correct me on. i guess i’m not as accostumed to this keyboard as i thought. i’ll have to type slower. or maybe just end as the bus will soon be here (i hope).

iPost

I had a post all thought out and ready to go and then my DSL goes out. Maybe it’s a sign? I’ll know for sure if my phone dies out before I can send it! 🙂

So for now I’ll just have to stick with rants which I can do pretty well on this phone 🙂 since they just fly out and I don’t have to edit them which is pretty difficult for me to do on here. Also, entering code is hard because of all the different keys and then the autocorrect trying to figure out what I’m saying and substituting words and I’m like no! That’s code! Not a typo! Then I have to go back and erase and type it over again. I’m sure there’s a way to turn it off but I do like how it will automatically put in apostrophies when I’m too lazy to switch to the other keyboard with the other symbols on it. I know, when am I ever satisfied? Well I do like this little gadget even though it put me in the hole. It’s so cool what I can do on it and even just the fact that I’m posting this now from it, I just find so amazing. I’ve managed to make my sisters jealous enough to want to get one themselves. I still feel self-conscious about it though. I don’t like whipping it out or letting anyone see me with one just because it’s expensive and I don’t want to make myself a target or make like I’m flaunting it that I have one and you don’t type of deal. I was insanely jealous of people who did that before I got one so I don’t want others to feel that way. Though I guess I’m doing that with this post, huh? Well, not like anyone reads this anyway! 😛 That said, I should just send this in now so I can conserve the battery which does run a bit fast. But considering all it does, that’s just one minor nuisance. 🙂 Okay, that’s enough; brb or bbl or atogsytwyuawt 😉

bitterness and cucumbers

i have written maybe 709 s.o.c. posts already but i’m feeling burnt out so here’s another one, sorry. it is just so near the end and i feel so bleah already. but forge on i will, at least for today. tomorrow’s gonna take a whole lot more convincing! unless something happens that inspires me which i kinda hope doesn’t happen. i’ve had enough inspirations for this week. i hope drama dies down soon because it’s just too much. and i don’t want any bad blood either. such a libra huh? always trying to avoid conflict. but i can’t help it. i get so agitated inside whenever i know there’s conflict or people mad or something. so i have to try and avoid all that stuff though it’s hard. it’s difficult, but what can you do? heeheehee one of my kids wrote that and i was thinking gosh do i say that a lot? because i doubt he’d have heard it from his parents the way i say it. but i thought it was cute he wrote that and when i had to read it aloud to my colleagues when we were sharing our kids’ works, that just cracked me up. because yeah, what can you do? heeheeheehee.

i just love these how-to documentaries. i love “unwrapped.” i’m glad they brought it back and did many more episodes. when it first came out, i think they only had a few of these. but i love seeing how things are made. i love that other show, too, though i don’t know the title and i can’t get it at home because it’s a digital channel but whenever i’m at my mom’s house it just so happens to be on. i love it! i couldn’t even fathom how a trumpet would be made, but i saw it! even those little prism things! soooo cool. now on “unwrapped,” they’re showing food science. love it. i would totally love a job like that but i would be so terrible at it, though! i have no sense of taste. i mean, i can taste it, but i couldn’t tell you exactly what was in it, like my sister can. i just think that working behind the scenes like that is soooo neat. i know they’re probably all making minimum-wage in those factories but i think it’s a neat job to have. though i imagine it could be tiring, day after day. it probably is. still, i love learning about how things are made. i should be watching the dancing with the stars finale, because that is on right now after all, and i had been watching it all this time, but eh. after seeing the final 2, i really can’t get riled up to watch. well, i absolutely do NOT want one of them win, and it wouldn’t make me happy to see the other one win because of the partner so…i just decided not to watch. yeah, dumb, after having invested all that time into watching the series. but eh. i think i know who’s going to win, and i just don’t want to see it. it wasn’t like the last 4 where i actively rooted for one over the other, if not because i liked the one, but that i HATED the other, and so far 3 of them that i rooted for won, but i have a feeling that one i absolutely do NOT want to win will win, and even if that one doesn’t, then that means the one i don’t want to win because of the partner will and then what’s the sense in that? lose both ways. so i changed it over, and am now watching unwrapped. i missed this show! i used to watch it every monday but now i rarely catch it. ooo they’re showing how to make chewing gum. neat! i never chew gum. i don’t think i ever got into it? i can’t remember really chewing a lot when i was younger, though i remember like my sisters and friends were all into bubblelicious and bubble yum. i don’t know, i guess i didn’t get it. why do the work if you’re not going to swallow? you chew and chew and chew … and just get juice? strange. i prefer more meat to something i have to chew!

i am not hungry, but yet i feel like eating, and now that i wrote meat in the last sentence, it’s making that feeling worse. it’s like, you’re not hungry *yet* but you will be in a little while, so do you try to combat it by eating something now? or is it just your mind wanting to do something, so it’s trying to trick you into eating, when maybe you don’t even need it? i don’t know. minds are so tricky. they make you think you’re doing something but you’re actually doing something else and paying off something else. hmph. well i don’t know what’s making me want to munch but i just have that feeling, and for some reason, i’m inhaling in the vapors of a teriyaki sandwich or something shoyu-ey, maybe because i can’t have salt. i know sometimes i absolutely *crave* vinegar & salt potato chips, which is just cruel! i guess because i’m also thinking of the mcteri burger. it’s pretty good, if not too much mayo. yuck. but i like the teri sauce on that burger. and okay that just did NOT help any feelings of munchies i had a few minutes ago. *sigh* well off to find something to nibble on, hopefully there’s a cucumber in the fridge somewhere.

*sigh*

who?

(thanks, lika! 😀 )

i have been watching dancing with the stars and then usually end up watching what comes after it because i usually don’t change the channel unless there’s something else on that i really want to watch. well, after dancing with the stars is a show called samantha who? which has an interesting premise. samantha, played by christina applegate, has amnesia, and doesn’t remember anything about herself or her past. i don’t know how true much of this would be in real life, but i wonder sometimes what would that be like? there’d be some pretty painful memories erased–but the good ones, too. or even the every day ones as what type of food you might like, or how you usually wear your hair, or even daily routines. that’s kinda scary.

if that were to happen to me, i think i’d be lost. i’d have to go back and reread a lot of my writings to find out what happened in the past. but, at the same time, i think…is that like starting over? could i be all i ever wanted to be, but am not now because of my reservations? i won’t have them if i had amnesia, so i would probably be more brave. would i? or is that part of you just in you?

she has to learn a lot of how she was and what she likes from her friends and family. she even has an ex-boyfriend that she goes to and realizes that she has feelings for–even though when she was the real samantha, she cheated on him and dumped him. so, in a way, she *can* start over, although his hurt feelings are still there. there are other people who have met her back then, and they clashed, but then they meet her again, and they get along. interesting. almost a way to go back and do all the things you did wrong. however, is it worth giving up all the other things?

although there are many things i wish i could “relive” and would probably do because i would’ve “forgotten” any inhibitions i have now, and there are many painful moments that i’d love to be free of, would i be willing to give up the memory of first seeing my son? of all the memories surrounding him, his firsts, his accomplishments? of all that i’ve learned my life? i went to school for a while and am continuously learning–would that be worth giving up to forget a heartache? would all the dance i’ve done over the years and the skills of crafts i’ve picked up be good enough to trade in for a chance to be happier in life?

my answer would be no. of course, we can’t choose if we have amnesia or not–if you’ve got it, you have to deal with it. i don’t think i would be able to handle it–though if i don’t remember, i may actually enjoy it. but i think it will break my heart if i see my son looking back at me and i can’t remember anything about him. i imagine this is the frustration alzheimer’s victim must experience, and it’s not very pretty. i just attended a funeral of a relative who had this, and the pain you see on the family’s face as the person just has no recollection of who they are and what they’re doing there is huge. it’s really tough for the family as well as it is for the person who suffers from it.

still, i think. it must be weird to be able to function and all and yet not have any memories or any knowledge of why things happen. i would probably be panicky, wondering who is this? do i know this person? what do they know about me? that would probably even make me a touch paranoid! why is this person looking at me? does this person know me? or is it just that i have ketchup smeared across my lip? and when the person approaches and starts making conversation, i think i would just be all flustered, trying to desperately to remember, but knowing that anything i say could possibly be (and will probably be) absolutely made up.

or maybe i wouldn’t be like that. i could be the exact opposite of what i am now, which sort of excites me a bit. but for now, while i still have my memories, i might fantasize about being able to start over, but i’ll be happy with what i have. i wouldn’t want it all to be lost just like that. i want to enjoy listening to music, even if it reminds me of a former love; i want to remember books i’ve read and things i learned; i want to be able to look into my child’s eyes and remember, remember, remember.

i hope i never turn into a “who?” but continue to be a “why?”, with all the memories and thoughts, good and bad, all intact, for a long time.

flipping

(why am i the only one writing? i don’t want to hog up the “recently on…” posts at hawaiistories! come on! write, everybody!)

sorry, i’m in a mood.

i’ve had to deal with parents in the past who are angry because they were told their child misbehaved. usually they come in and are all, “my child would NEVER do that! it must’ve been somebody else!” they think their children are angels and would never do anything other than listen and follow the rules and be respectful, kind students.

of course, i would know the truth. it’s usually the instigators who have parents like these. they’re the children who know how to manipulate. sometimes i wish i had a video to show them EXACTLY how their children were behaving. of course, then they’d blame it on editing. 😉

imagine my surprise when i came home and found a “notice of concern” from my son’s school, regarding behavior on the bus. apparently, he was “verbally warned 3 times” (though of the 3 times listed, he did not catch the bus on 2 of those days–it was on the weekend). it said he was “loud screaming-talking and playing with students across the aisles” and being distracting to the bus driver.

first thing, as i already stated, two of the days listed were saturday and sunday, so i don’t know how she was able to verbally warn him then. if the third day was a friday, i would’ve known it was made-up because he doesn’t take the bus on fridays. but the third day was monday. okay, he did take the bus on monday, so i’ll give her that.

second thing, anyone who knows my son knows that he does not scream. he’s very reserved and serious. his teacher even remarked that they call him “the little old man” because he’s very serious and focused, and not at all playful. so it was shocking to read that he was screaming and loud-talking. and i imagine it’s hard for him to play with the student “across the aisle” since he sits in the window seat, not on the aisle seat. i really wish there was such a thing as video, because i would really like to see how my son, who usually sits quietly in his seat, waiting for the bus to leave, while the other children are running wildly about outside, leaned over the person sitting next to him, to yell and play with the person across the aisle from him. i just can’t imagine this behavior from my son.

i hate to imagine that i’m turning into the type of parent who wants to argue about this with the person who referred him but it really upset me to get this behavior report. now if it was warranted–if i knew my son could get a little playful and such, of course i’d discipline him. but knowing the way my son acts and seeing the days when this happened, i feel like going up to the bus driver and asking what gives? what exactly did he do and how did he do it? if the days matched up to days when he took the bus, then i’d be more inclined to trust her. and if my son IS acting up on the bus, then by all means, i will have a stern talking-to with him. but i just felt all riled up inside, like a mama bear fiercely protecting her cub.

is this how other parents feel? even if their children ARE doing the things noted, i can imagine how angry it makes one feel inside to receive such a letter. to me, they are angry at the wrong person (the person referring, not their own child!) but there is an anger there. again, if i knew my child could have done this, i would be very angry now at him. but since it’s so out of his nature, my anger is turning towards the person referring. is this what it feels like?

i asked my son about it, and he denied it, saying it was the boy next to him that was playing with the child across the aisle (which makes sense–that boy is in the aisle seat), and yelling and screaming. now, yes, my son has lied before. and we all tend to think our own children are angels. but it still just boggles my mind that someone who is so quiet and who keeps to himself would do such a thing, and i have to wonder if i do have a warped sense of who my son is? what if i think he’s this good, studious child, and then he turns out to be some sort of … ugh. i can’t even think of that. but is the way i see my son skewed in some sort of way? i see it all the time when other parents are defending their children. am i not seeing the whole picture?!?!

i almost want to say, fine, then, don’t ride the bus any more. but then he wouldn’t be able to get to school. i want to say well don’t sit next to that boy. but they have assigned seats. i want to go up to the bus driver and give her a piece of my mind. but if she is correct, and the whole bus is witness, what a fool would i look like? should i write to the transportation department head? his teacher? the principal? the headmaster?

i guess it upsets me too because this is now a matter of his official record. i know most people would think, wow, big whoops. he played on the bus. not like he cheated or hurt someone. i know, i know. but from someone who rarely misbehaved, this is a big shock for me. and knowing how strict the school is and how he can be easily dismissed and replaced with another eager soul really weighs on me. i don’t want to let this go because i feel like if he ever does get another, and i complain then, they’re going to wonder why i didn’t say anything the first time (as i’ve often wondered about other parents). but then again, i don’t want to complain, and then they roll their eyes at my letter and pass it off, saying “another whiner.” which, i admit, i’ve done before, too, to others.

i guess i’ll have to sleep on it and figure out how i’m going to react tomorrow morning when taking my son to the bus stop. should i mention anything to the bus driver? should i talk with the parent of the other boy that shares a seat with him? should i just write a letter asking how he could’ve been warned on saturday and sunday? should i ask for a letter of reference from his teacher, who i think would be just as shocked to hear he was “yelling and screaming” when she can’t get much of a peep out of him? i really don’t know.

*sigh* i remember during my first year teaching, before i had had a child, a parent had told me, “well, you just don’t understand, you don’t have any children,” and i thought, what do you mean? i *do* understand. but now i’m seeing that gosh, i understand all too well! i’m becoming one of them, and it pains me! i now know the other side, and it’s not a nice feeling. 😦 i apologize.

back to the drawing board

when I was a little girl, we didn’t have very many toys. I also had a mother who refused to get us coloring books because it’d limit us (“stay in the lines!”). I did though have a dad who brought home tons of scratch paper from work. So how I’d spend most of my days was drawing. I’d draw my own pictures and make my own comic books, which was great as I could combine my love for writing stories with that.

Because of this, my sisters were always requesting things from me. Can you draw me a poster? Can you illustrate my book? Can you decorate my room? It’s fun so I don’t mind but I always worry because I know my drawings won’t be the best.

I draw very colorbook-style, oddly enough–just outlines. No shading, no depth, no real background even. It’s very simplistic. Not quite stick figures, but not realistic looking at all.

I thought I was pretty good at drawing until I took art class in ninth grade. My art teacher could whip up a portrait in minutes (I think I even still have the one he did of me somewhere) and it was so lifelike, I was in awe that you could get things that looked like that using only a pencil. I wanted badly to do that, too! But try as I might, I just could not get that lifelike look to my drawings. I could only get that coloring book-looking cartoon drawings that were “cute” but not a true, great sketch. That humbled me some!

I have tried, though! I took art in college, but still, when compared to others, you could tell I was sorely lacking. I even had a student once who was just an awesome drawer, at the age of 6! I told his mom she needed to help foster that because he had such a great talent at such a young age. Yes, I’m jealous of a 6 year old! He was great and I hope his mom did try to enroll him in somthing to help him put his good eye for drawing to use!

It’s now something I wonder about for my own boy. He does not have the talent that by student did (sadly he inherited my drawing skills) but it’s something he loves to do and perhaps if it is explored early, it can grow into something better. Heck, I may even join him in drawing lessons. There’s always room for improvement and time to accomplish your dreams. 🙂

frustrated

am totally frustrated right now after having posted on the other blog (click on Memes tab above–too hard to do the link thing on here!) on my phone because I’m not at home so I only have this way to be able to post but ugh it is just so frustrating to do something so simple as answer 5 questions and not much else and have it take you over 40 minutes to do so because the keyboard takes some getting used to and finding certain symbols so you can do coding is too difficult not to mention that the delete key seems to be stuck so when I make a typo and try to erase, it decides to erase the WHOLE line instead of just the last letter, so you have to type the whole thing over again, just to make another mistake (or the stupid autocorrect spell check tries to correct a word you meant to spell that way) and then have all your work completely erased again and you have to retype it all over AGAIN and before you know it, it has taken me 25 minutes just to type one sentence. grrrrr.

ravaged

sorry, had poetry on my mind all night…

groaning, growling,
the ground swells and then exhales,
passionate gasps of a lover fill the air
the content sigh of sulfuric smoke is released.

panting, puffing,
the ground heaves and shoots forth
long fingers of red-hot lava
stream down the blackened hillside.

crawling, creeping,
the ground trembles
from the heated touch of the fiery tendrils
that make their way down to battle.

crackling, crinkling,
the trees give way
as the burning fists wrap around its trunks
strangling the life out of them.

fluttering, flapping,
birds fly away
fleeing the danger, as their homes succumb,
immediately engulfed in her amorous embrace.

writhing, weaving,
she is almost there,
she entices, continuing slowly toward her fate,
having mowed down everything in her path.

sizzling, steaming,
the waves smash,
another feverish battle begins,
as the two meet, struggling to come out on top.

fuming, flaring,
she won’t give up
but his cool, pacifying touch calms her
she yields to him as he overtakes her, soothing her fervor

twisting, twirling,
thick plumes of smoke
dance through the air, signaling the end of the battle,
as a bright yellow helicopter flies through the sacred night rainbow.

ha! analyze THAT. 😉

i really don't know

i was getting ready to leave when one of our data collectors came in to ask me a question. she had observed something and wanted to know how i knew what to do. “um, i don’t know?” i said sheepishly.

she laughed, and then said, “no, really. tell me.”

i blinked. “i…i don’t know.”

she raised an eyebrow at me. “but you must know, because i’ve seen you do it. it wasn’t something that you just did, you must’ve been doing it over time, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten those results. so what did you do?”

i was blank. “i … i really don’t know.”

and i meant it. i had no idea how or what i had done. and she wanted me to present it? how? people are going to be asking me questions and all i’ll be able to answer is “uh…i don’t know.” ugh.

i just hate that feeling. i remember once in high school, we were reading poetry. now, i was not very good at the figurative stuff back then. well, maybe not even now. but i remember we were doing poetry. my english teacher who was very strict and could bore holes through you with her piercing stare, making the biggest linebackers stutter and cower in fear, had just made us read “fire and ice” by robert frost. i had been hiding behind my book the whole class, hoping she would not call on me, because i was so bad at understanding poetry. it usually worked, because she rarely called on me, and when she did it must’ve been because i tipped her off that i actually *did* know the answer (a skill i’ve picked up over the years, being able to detect when a quiet person really knows the answer). i just hated to look like i knew nothing in front of all of my classmates, you know? but anyway, we had read “fire and ice” and she asked, “what is he talking about?” i gulped and prayed she wouldn’t call on me. i stared hard into the book, not wanting to make eye contact. but in the silence that followed, i think i did peek up to see where she was standing in the room. and just like that, she called on me. UGH. my cheeks turned pink. “ummm…i don’t know,” i stammered.

“of course you do!” she scoffed.

i sunk lower into my seat. i really thought he was being literal, that the world would end in either fire (lava and stuff) or ice (glaciers and stuff). i couldn’t even think of what he was representing. my mind was blank. after a few moments, i whispered, “i really don’t know.”

oh, the look of disappointment that came upon her face killed me. i *hate* that look. i stared back at the words on the page, feeling my cheeks burn, and imagining my stomach doing the same (i had learned that the stomach lining turns pink along with your cheeks, when you blush, from 3-2-1 contact! heehee). i refused to look up, to see any other disappointment of my teacher, or snickers from my classmates. she doesn’t know! they’d say with their smirks. what an idiot!

after a long, painful silence, the teacher called the girl who was sitting near me. confidently, she answered, “love and hate.”

“correct,” came the teacher’s crisp response. and then we moved on.

but i sat there, still staring at the poem. is that what it’s about?! gee whiz. i felt so stupid. it made sense then, when someone else said it. but i would’ve never thought of that. that just made me feel so dumb, and i hate that feeling.

i’ve been clueless to questions many times, asked by parents, colleagues, resource people, interviewers. it always catches me off-guard, and i usually get out a very weak, embarrassed “i don’t know.” but then, they press me, thinking i really *do* know, and am holding back. but i truly, honestly, *really* don’t know. and it pains me to have to say that i don’t know how to do something, so when i do admit it…and then not believed, so they keep pressing me to answer…ugh. it’s the most awkward feeling in the world.

so now i have to figure out what the heck it is i’m doing so i can present it to my colleagues on monday. and i just know that i’m going to get up there and be all, “uhh, well, ummm, i… errrr…” which is also what i don’t like! i’ll hem and haw my way through it and then hours later, i’ll think of the answer to the question, and be able to answer it confidently–even though it means i’m talking to myself later on. *sigh*

i really think i need another job i can be more confident in. i really don’t know what i’m doing, and it’s not a good feeling. one day people are going to find out what i really *don’t* know and that won’t be a very pretty sight! until then i’ll have to pretend my way through it again, until i am caught, deer in the headlights, blinded by the words, but mind completely blank, stuttering to answer a question…just to be told the answer from the person next to me (which is very likely to happen!). then i’ll have to hunch away, desperately trying to disappear into the shadows, leaving with an admission that i really didn’t know what the heck i was doing all this time.

bleah.

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