who?

(thanks, lika! 😀 )

i have been watching dancing with the stars and then usually end up watching what comes after it because i usually don’t change the channel unless there’s something else on that i really want to watch. well, after dancing with the stars is a show called samantha who? which has an interesting premise. samantha, played by christina applegate, has amnesia, and doesn’t remember anything about herself or her past. i don’t know how true much of this would be in real life, but i wonder sometimes what would that be like? there’d be some pretty painful memories erased–but the good ones, too. or even the every day ones as what type of food you might like, or how you usually wear your hair, or even daily routines. that’s kinda scary.

if that were to happen to me, i think i’d be lost. i’d have to go back and reread a lot of my writings to find out what happened in the past. but, at the same time, i think…is that like starting over? could i be all i ever wanted to be, but am not now because of my reservations? i won’t have them if i had amnesia, so i would probably be more brave. would i? or is that part of you just in you?

she has to learn a lot of how she was and what she likes from her friends and family. she even has an ex-boyfriend that she goes to and realizes that she has feelings for–even though when she was the real samantha, she cheated on him and dumped him. so, in a way, she *can* start over, although his hurt feelings are still there. there are other people who have met her back then, and they clashed, but then they meet her again, and they get along. interesting. almost a way to go back and do all the things you did wrong. however, is it worth giving up all the other things?

although there are many things i wish i could “relive” and would probably do because i would’ve “forgotten” any inhibitions i have now, and there are many painful moments that i’d love to be free of, would i be willing to give up the memory of first seeing my son? of all the memories surrounding him, his firsts, his accomplishments? of all that i’ve learned my life? i went to school for a while and am continuously learning–would that be worth giving up to forget a heartache? would all the dance i’ve done over the years and the skills of crafts i’ve picked up be good enough to trade in for a chance to be happier in life?

my answer would be no. of course, we can’t choose if we have amnesia or not–if you’ve got it, you have to deal with it. i don’t think i would be able to handle it–though if i don’t remember, i may actually enjoy it. but i think it will break my heart if i see my son looking back at me and i can’t remember anything about him. i imagine this is the frustration alzheimer’s victim must experience, and it’s not very pretty. i just attended a funeral of a relative who had this, and the pain you see on the family’s face as the person just has no recollection of who they are and what they’re doing there is huge. it’s really tough for the family as well as it is for the person who suffers from it.

still, i think. it must be weird to be able to function and all and yet not have any memories or any knowledge of why things happen. i would probably be panicky, wondering who is this? do i know this person? what do they know about me? that would probably even make me a touch paranoid! why is this person looking at me? does this person know me? or is it just that i have ketchup smeared across my lip? and when the person approaches and starts making conversation, i think i would just be all flustered, trying to desperately to remember, but knowing that anything i say could possibly be (and will probably be) absolutely made up.

or maybe i wouldn’t be like that. i could be the exact opposite of what i am now, which sort of excites me a bit. but for now, while i still have my memories, i might fantasize about being able to start over, but i’ll be happy with what i have. i wouldn’t want it all to be lost just like that. i want to enjoy listening to music, even if it reminds me of a former love; i want to remember books i’ve read and things i learned; i want to be able to look into my child’s eyes and remember, remember, remember.

i hope i never turn into a “who?” but continue to be a “why?”, with all the memories and thoughts, good and bad, all intact, for a long time.

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