i often wonder what i have to do to get your attention. i don’t know why i crave it. i guess i need to know if i’m doing okay or not. after what had happened a few years ago, i guess i need validation. i need to know that what i’m doing is okay or if there is a problem.
there have been so many times when i’ve been in the same room and i’m ignored. at today’s meeting, you didn’t even glance at me even though you were asking about first grade. you didn’t even acknowledge when i held the door open for you, which you have often said you hate it when people do that to you. did i do something to make you upset? i wish i knew what it was.
i know that lately i’ve been very needy. i really want to hear good things. now, not saying that you have good things to say about me, but i’ve heard the way you’ve talked to some of my colleagues. you are very encouraging. but then to me, it’s like icicles between us. if i’m not doing good, would you at least have told me that?
there was one time which you probably didn’t even think twice about and, actually, you probably thought i was someone else, since you were approaching me from behind, but you placed your hand on my shoulder and asked how i was doing, as you walked past. i was so shocked that you had actually addressed me. i replied i was fine, and you said, “good, good.” and continued on your way. but that 3 seconds you took out of your time to do that was just … weird. but it made me feel nice. like you cared, a little bit, at least.
sometimes i feel like my kids. they’d do cartwheels if i asked them to; they want to please me so much. i don’t really know about *pleasing* but i’d at least like to know where i stand. am i okay? am i failing? are parents attacking you because of me? colleagues? what? any kind of indication to show me where indeed i stand would be enough. all i feel now is that i’m not good enough, and your ignoring me or not acknowledging me is just making me feel worse. just even 2 seconds of *eye contact* would be great. i’m not all that nice to look at, i know, but you can even just glance at me, and that’d make me feel better. at least i’d feel like i exist.
anyway it just hurt today, when you were sitting right across from me, but totally turned and faced the other way to ask some other teacher about first grade. hello! i’m right there! but my opinion doesn’t matter, i guess. and with the way i’ve been feeling lately, that hurt. i’m way too sensitive for some reason and am taking everything personally. sorry. you’re not even giving me a second thought, and that shouldn’t be anything new, yet i’m acting like it’s a personal attack. i apologize.
i just wish to be acknowledged every now and then–that i exist. it doesn’t have to be praise. just acknowledge that i exist, that i’m not some shadow or figment of imagination. although wow, what if this is just like the sixth sense?
sorry for going off-track. but really, you don’t even know how much just catching my eye would make me feel. i do try to be invisible…but there are times when i do want to know that i am a living, breathing soul as well. and these past few weeks…that’s what i’ve just been craving. not to be ignored; just acknowledged that i am here, even if you’re not listening to what i’m saying. again, i don’t know why i’m craving it so much lately…but a glance towards me with a nod would do so much. please?