Archive for April, 2008

to nablopomo

dear nablopomo organizers,

yay! i did it! another month down and completed. i hate to admit it, but this one was actually a bit fun! 😀

i have been writing every day, even though it hasn’t appeared in this space. i had just been marking them all private so that no one can read them. i’m so ashamed of my writing. but i did want to keep it up, even though most of my letters were just plain silly. i was just too embarrassed to have it in public where everyone could see what an awful writer i am.

but for the sake of proving that i did write every day, i’m marking them all “published” now. none of the dates were edited; they are the true dates that i wrote the letters and marked them as private. i hope that still counts.

i don’t think i’ll be participating in may‘s one, though, because with the way i feel about my writing, trying to adopt another’s voice will NOT work! heehee. and you don’t even want to hear my real voice! not even screeching cats would want that.

anyway, thanks for the writing exercises these past two months. can’t wait to see what june’s is!

thanks 🙂

na’u

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to my boss

dear boss,

i often wonder what i have to do to get your attention. i don’t know why i crave it. i guess i need to know if i’m doing okay or not. after what had happened a few years ago, i guess i need validation. i need to know that what i’m doing is okay or if there is a problem.

there have been so many times when i’ve been in the same room and i’m ignored. at today’s meeting, you didn’t even glance at me even though you were asking about first grade. you didn’t even acknowledge when i held the door open for you, which you have often said you hate it when people do that to you. did i do something to make you upset? i wish i knew what it was.

i know that lately i’ve been very needy. i really want to hear good things. now, not saying that you have good things to say about me, but i’ve heard the way you’ve talked to some of my colleagues. you are very encouraging. but then to me, it’s like icicles between us. if i’m not doing good, would you at least have told me that?

there was one time which you probably didn’t even think twice about and, actually, you probably thought i was someone else, since you were approaching me from behind, but you placed your hand on my shoulder and asked how i was doing, as you walked past. i was so shocked that you had actually addressed me. i replied i was fine, and you said, “good, good.” and continued on your way. but that 3 seconds you took out of your time to do that was just … weird. but it made me feel nice. like you cared, a little bit, at least.

sometimes i feel like my kids. they’d do cartwheels if i asked them to; they want to please me so much. i don’t really know about *pleasing* but i’d at least like to know where i stand. am i okay? am i failing? are parents attacking you because of me? colleagues? what? any kind of indication to show me where indeed i stand would be enough. all i feel now is that i’m not good enough, and your ignoring me or not acknowledging me is just making me feel worse. just even 2 seconds of *eye contact* would be great. i’m not all that nice to look at, i know, but you can even just glance at me, and that’d make me feel better. at least i’d feel like i exist.

anyway it just hurt today, when you were sitting right across from me, but totally turned and faced the other way to ask some other teacher about first grade. hello! i’m right there! but my opinion doesn’t matter, i guess. and with the way i’ve been feeling lately, that hurt. i’m way too sensitive for some reason and am taking everything personally. sorry. you’re not even giving me a second thought, and that shouldn’t be anything new, yet i’m acting like it’s a personal attack. i apologize.

i just wish to be acknowledged every now and then–that i exist. it doesn’t have to be praise. just acknowledge that i exist, that i’m not some shadow or figment of imagination. although wow, what if this is just like the sixth sense?

sorry for going off-track. but really, you don’t even know how much just catching my eye would make me feel. i do try to be invisible…but there are times when i do want to know that i am a living, breathing soul as well. and these past few weeks…that’s what i’ve just been craving. not to be ignored; just acknowledged that i am here, even if you’re not listening to what i’m saying. again, i don’t know why i’m craving it so much lately…but a glance towards me with a nod would do so much. please?

na’u

to thief

to the person who went through my purse and took my money:

okay, you got me. i know i’ve been told over and over again that i need to close up my classroom when i’m not in it. but i wasn’t very far. i was just in the next classroom over. i was standing in the doorway most of the time! yet you found a time when i wasn’t looking to sneak in and attack my purse. you were especially tough on my wallet, strewing its contents all over the floor. luckily, all cards are accounted for. however, you did take what little dollar bills i had in there.

i’ve had things taken from me before–my pokemon pikachu, several tamagotchis, and other things. but those were things that were clipped to the outside of my bag. this time, you actually went in and took out stuff! i feel so violated.

you did not find my secret compartment of emergency money, though. you did not touch my kids’ money (thank goodness!) that i also had in my bag. and i am thankful you did not steal my credit cards (though a part me wonders if you really just took down the numbers of the cards? that’s all you really need nowadays, huh?). okay, now i’m paranoid.

but still, you went through my stuff. you left it on the floor. you went through my closets–for what, though? did you really need my measly two dollars more than anything? or is this just for the thrill?

well, i’ve been warned many times, it’s true. i didn’t think anything of it, i guess. i was too trusting or too lazy. but you got me. and i have learned my lesson. but i hope that you too will learn a lesson.

na’u

to sunday night

dear sunday night,

gosh you are so eager, aren’t you? you arrive much too quickly. you need to take your time. we’re not all that happy to see you, you know. or actually, we’re not all that happy to have you leave so quickly. take your time. relax. stay a bit longer, why don’t you?

thanks.

na’u

to sewing machine

dear sewing machine,

you are really trying my patience. but I think I will be able to fix you tomorrow.

just you wait and see.

na’u

to wii

dear wii creators,

why oh why must you make something soooooo addicting?

next time you do that please come out when I don’t have anything important to do.

thank you.

na’u

to jingle maker

to the person who composed the jingle for the superferry,

good going. i can’t get the song out of my head.

at all.

and i don’t even know what the words are, but i can’t stop singing the gibberish…

…going crazy…

na’u

to fatigue

dear tiredness,

you have come too early! please, i need more time!

na’u

p.s. oh all right. you win.

to colleagues

dear esteemed colleagues,

i hate to say this–well, no, i actually enjoy saying this: “i told you!”

i’ve been so frustrated. no one was listening yet i was supposed to get everything out. but now that i did it, everyone’s all … oh. well, i think we need to change. and the thing is, it was my suggestion! but you all shot me down. and now it’s, okay, let’s do this.

now, we all make mistakes. i make tons. but you don’t even acknowledge my ideas. no apologies or anything. it’s just “oh well live and learn, let’s move on.” whereas i feel like, well if you had just listened to me earlier…

i know i don’t chime in as much as i should. that’s not me. i sit back and take everything in and then decide from there. you all know that. we’ve worked together how long now? but i guess i do that too often that when i do have something to input, it’s brushed off. so i guess that’s my fault.

i guess i’m just angry because of everything else that is going on. plus, i’ve been doing all of this for our grade level using my OWN funds. and so mistakes are a bit costly, if you know what i mean. also being the only one without a working husband supplying another income, it’s rough on my finances. now i’ve got to throw everything out and start again?

just please–if you’re going to entrust me to do certain things, then please listen to my input. or at least offer to help me out some. we’re all busy, yes. but even financially helping out or offering to do something, one little thing, anything, would’ve helped big time. after all, this is for the kids. right?

seeing we’re probably all going to be together again next year, i hope we are learning from our mistakes so that we’re not in this situation again. at least i think i’ve learned to next time, say NO! :p

na’u

to bachelor

dear the bachelor,

why are you even on? does it really get that good a rating? i didn’t think it was that popular any more after seeing how many of the bachelors ended up staying with the girl they chose.

they don’t even have the bachelorette any more. does it freak out people to see one girl dating 25 boys at one time, but no one bats an eye at one guy dating 25 girls? just like how no one says anything when a 80 year old man marries a 20 year old girl, but people are all kinds of disapproving when a 25 year old man weds a 40 year old woman. sad.

i could never be on the bachelor. not only because of the whole televised thing, but because of the premise. he’s encouraged to jump around and lead all the girls on, isn’t he? i know you producers must do that. and the more tears you get, the more drama, the better the ratings. why it’s still on, when the success rate has been so bad, is such a mystery to me, but i guess there’s the drama. ugh.

i haven’t been feeling my best lately and i guess these sorts of shows make me feel even worse. pretty girls can’t get the guy; what will a frumpy one get? 😦

but i guess that’s what it’s all about.

na’u

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