this morning was…strange. yes, i did have the day off, but i still had to wake up early to take the boy to the bus stop in the morning. i decided to go grocery shopping after that, because i’d much rather shop when it’s nice and early and not crowded. who knew half the store was going to be inaccessible because they’re waxing the floors? but it really has been a long time since i’ve gone grocery shopping–i’m usually just so exhausted when i get home from work that i don’t feel like grocery shopping, and so we just come home and have been eating things out of the cupboard or from the wagon that drives by the bus stop every now and then. not exactly healthy, but i’ve just been too tired. well, since i was up anyway today, i thought might as well go now when it’s not crowded and i’ve still got the energy. an hour later, i remember why i hate grocery shopping–i spend too much money. but i did get a bunch of asparagus i’m excited to make tonight, and some bananas for the boy, as well as various other stuff i can take for lunch this week and next, and make for dinner. i *really* like shopping that early in the morning, and it makes me wish (again) that i was some housewife where i could go, drop the kids off at school, do all the shopping/chores, and then have some me-time in the afternoon to do a hobby or something before having to go pick up the kids from school, then lovingly spending time with them in the afternoon doing homework and reading, then making dinner, and enjoying the company of someone who i can listen to while he’s ranting about his day, or maybe even not that, maybe he’s on the computer and i’m with my crossword book, and we’ll be fine, you know? but i guess i have some other lesson to learn. anyway i am so envious of the other mothers at the bus stop that have this luxury. meanwhile, i’m having to drop him off and then rush off to my job, get as much done as i can before i have to go pick him up, and then come home all exhausted, having *him* read to me, because i am just too pooped. that’s not quality time. my boy deserves more than that. anyway. where was i? oh, i really liked shopping early. i came back, and suddenly had the energy to clean out the icebox, another long abandoned task. as i walked to the dumpster with the trash bag, a light drizzle was falling, and it reminded me of dancing in the rain on kaua’i, with my then fiance. i don’t know what possessed me, but suddenly i was gliding across the parking lot, twisting and turning, like a little kid. i decided to go for a walk. yes, in the rain. and totally forgetting that i was not exactly … dressed correctly, i guess you could say. but i was wandering off in the rain, as if being enticed by some magical force, pulling me away. all of a sudden, i seemed to snap back into reality, and i didn’t realize where i was. i must’ve looked weird, someone walking around, seemingly having lost her bearings, in clothes isn’t exactly correct for what she was doing… i wondered if people thought i was homeless? maybe on medication or some other altered-state? suffering from mental illness? hmm, maybe i am. because i all of a sudden had no idea how i got there. i turned around and hurried back. the rain was still falling softly, but now that my clothes were damp, i was getting cold. i hurried back home. but…having gotten back home, i suddenly felt…”normal.” i haven’t felt normal in a long time. i’m usually in pain somewhere…but i felt like a normal person again, and i had this renewed energy or something. i thought it was weird. maybe it’ll go away once i begin thinking my morbid thoughts again, especially after this afternoon’s checkin to the hospital…but for now, it feels nice. i haven’t felt this way in a long time.



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