Archive for April, 2010

gratitude

my mom surprised us with a gift, splitting her savings, as she fears the end is soon. i don’t want to accept it–as much as i *really* could use it, i don’t want to accept it. i don’t want it to mean that. but she did write us checks with letters about how she’s grateful for us and the grandchildren. of course, it made me sob like heck. i’ll probably just file it away and wait for the state’s durn delayed refund. so unfair they can delay our $ but we would get fined if *we* are late paying. but anyway…i don’t want to think about finality right now. so that will go tucked away.

i am also grateful that my son’s school awarded him financial aid to cover his summer school this year. that was a big relief! now that he’s older, he can pick all the fun stuff like computers and science (yes, he’s a nerd) but it costs more. he chose to go a full day, so it was even more $! but they funded the whole thing. BIG relief there! phew!

and the last thing is for my alma mater. this always happens when i’m up there, but i am just grateful. which is what i wrote about yesterday before wp ate it. i wonder if it’ll eat this one? hmm.

we’ll see. 🙂

industrious

argh! are you kidding me? my whole post disappeared!!! I pressed save and it said okay and when I went to check it’s blank!!!!! I am not writing it again on this phone!!! grrrrr. will have to wait for computer. argh.

bruises

if there’s one thing that makes me shudder, it’s bruises. just seeing the green and yellow and purple…ewwww. *majorshudder* i wince whenever i see bruises (and my sister bruises easily with her condition, so she delights in showing me her bruises just to gross me out). i mean to think that under the skin is all that blood turning blue and yellow and brown … *heebiejeebies*

i’ve had two real big ones in my lifetime–so big that it lasted for days and was very tender to the touch. i gagged every time i saw it yet had the mild curiosity to keep pushing at it. the first one was on my outer left thigh, and covered nearly the whole thing. i was playing on the swings that thing we used to play as kids–sit in the swings and then stretch all the way to the outer corner before running toward the other person who had gone to the opposite corner, and then jump up in the seat while swinging your body towards the other person–causing the two swings to intersect and twirl around each other. then you’d ride it out as the swings untwisted, sending you spinning in circles back to your side of the swing set. well, i was doing this with a friend when my friend was a bit too late, so we missed connecting in the middle–which sent me careening into the pole of the swing set. i twisted my body enough that my thigh got the brunt of the impact. but man, what a huge bruise it left! i had difficulty walking, much less dancing hula! and i couldn’t sit cross-legged on the ground, like we had to do in school. at that time, we all loved wearing dove shorts, but if i did, my huge bruise was out there for all to see, and believe me, it was a gross myriad of colors, so i had to refrain from those shorts for about a week. at home, i’d stare at it, both intrigued and horrified at the same time. gross! but kinda cool.

the second one i got, i was much older. i won’t go into the details for that one because ahem. that would be too much information. but i got it on the outer part of my arm, from my shoulder down to my elbow–that whole area was just one gigantic bruise. ewwwww. *shudder* that one was very sore. i still remember a colleague had kinda nudged me in my arm and i yelped in pain. everyone on the table turned and looked, wondering why i was being so overdramatic. so i lifted up the sleeve of my dress, and showed them the brownish-yellowing-squicky-looking bruise on my arm. you should’ve seen all their jaws drop! then they all started teasing the one who nudged me, saying gee! stay away from me! look, you’re abusing her! etc etc etc. but man, that was a big one. and it lasted for over a week. gross, gross, gross.

😀 why am i talking about this? i had to get a blood test this morning before work, and the phlebotomist had a hard time finding my vein. they actually all do. when i was hospitalized, they couldn’t find it at the crook of my elbow, nor at my wrist, so they had to put the iv in through the back of my hand — most painful thing that lasted weeks after i was discharged! i had to wear a brace so i wouldn’t move that hand because it hurt so much. anyway, this morning, she really had to dig around in there, as she said my vein was rolling around. eww. so she had to withdraw the needle and pierce me again a bit further down. ewww.

so i know what’s going to be there when i wake up tomorrow morning–a nice big bruise. bleah.

growling

my tummy’s growling but i’m fasting. boooo.

it’s just been a growling day. for some reason, my kids are very snippy with each other. arguing over every little thing, being so overdramatic, taking offense of the littlest things. man! it’s been getting on my nerves. they even got major scoldings from another teacher in the hallway, because they were pushing each other to be first. geez! they’re usually never like that. i guess we’re all ready for the summer. it’s been a long, hard year, which if you count the days, it hasn’t. but it feels that way with our extended days and trying to cram everything in that we’re supposed to do for the year. i feel bad that they’re having to experience this just because our politicians are trying to show each other who has the biggest you-know-what.

anyway, i’ve had to growl at them quite a bit today, plus they got that extra scoldings from that other teacher. it got to the point that as soon as someone opened their mouth, they went back to their desk. i was tired of it all already.

so did a big change of plans and did a fun science experiment at the end of the day. they *loved* it. it was just the right thing for them to do because they had to work together, and it helped to get all the bickering out of the way. phew. they also loved the new author i introduced them to earlier in the morning–they kept begging me to read more and more and more. *i* love that. 😀

ggrrrrbgbgbhghhhhgerbgbghrrrrrhghhrrr.

well off to chug more water and avoid thoughts of steak. mmmmm.

incensed

i got some bad news about my mom last night and being the big worrywart that i am, it made me toss and turn all night. i had already been thinking such morbid thoughts, so this latest news did not help one bit. the few times i did actually go to sleep, my dreams were filled with her. there was one part though that made me feel something i had never felt in a long while–possibly not since i was a child.

i was at my mom’s house, sitting with my son and my sister, talking about my mom. my sister’s just as big a worrywart as i am, so we were both talking about my mom, upset and bewildered. this is something we would actually do, so it felt very real. then all of a sudden, i remember–my car! my mom’s place has a tow-away zone between 3:30-5:30, so every time i’m visiting, i usually have to move my car at 3:30, find some side street to park on, which are all metered, so i put in enough for 2 hours, before going back to move my car back. this is a common routine for me. there were several times i went out at like 3:35 only to find a cop there, waiting to write a ticket. but in my dream, i looked at the time–it was 5:47!!! ACK! i dash out of the house, with my son at my side, praying that please, please, please, i was not towed. please, please, please, please…

my son ran out ahead of me to look. as i turned the corner, i saw the usual scene after 5:30–people starting to pull in and park along the street again. i scanned the area where i had left my car–it was gone. GONE.

now i’ve had dreams before where i went out and my car was gone. but my reaction in this one was strange–i started stamping the ground, upset. i was so filled with rage at myself. i just stood there, stamping the ground, not really screaming, but anguishly moaning, and then i started to cry. i was heaving with sobs, lamenting the fact that there was no way in the world i would be able to afford to pay to get my car back (which is true). how was i supposed to get my car? how am i supposed to pay to release it, AND the ticket? what would i lose? and i sobbed and sobbed, and stamped and stamped. my son, seeing how i was affected, started to tear up, and tried to console me, but i was just so upset.

and then i woke up, with that same feeling of anguish-filled rage. gosh. it was weird.

i tried to go back to sleep, but i was still so worked up. i still kinda am. but now i’ve got to go get ready for work. it’s going to be a long day.

boyds

hmmm. my list is up already, save for two. a lot of my items could easily combine into the one above it. figures–i suck big time at making lists.

anyway today we did a lot of work at school with recycling and cleaning, so i decided afterwards to treat myself to lunch at boyd’s. they have the best poke there. yum! the fish is so tender. and, as most of my colleagues say, when you walk in, you can’t even smell the fish, as you can at other fish markets, signifying that the catches are fresh, and they do sell out quickly. yum.

we would go to boyd’s every friday. i can’t even remember the former name right now–but i remember when they changed it to “boyd’s” it was hard to get used to the new name. heh, but now, it’s just “boyd’s.” anyway, we used to go every friday. i was in a curriculum position at the time, so i was able to take a longer lunch period, so i would go around and take everyone’s orders, and then go pick it up, and have it ready for everyone by the time lunch rolled around. i always ordered the same thing — 1/4 lb of shoyu poke. i’d be in absolute heaven every time i let the morsel slide between my lips and onto my tongue–so soft. mmmm.

but when my position changed back into the classroom, i didn’t have the luxury of a nice lunch break, so i couldn’t make the boyd’s friday run any more. but it really didn’t matter to me, because right around then, i was pregnant, and i was not allowed to eat fish (especially raw fish!) at all. so through that time, plus the year and a half afterwards while i was breastfeeding, i didn’t eat fish, and when i was finally ready to eat fish again, i had eagerly devoured some down, only to find out that they now gave my stomach awful cramps! it shocked me that in the two years that i stopped eating fish, something happened where now i couldn’t stomach it any more–even canned tuna would give me cramps! it was so weird! i had to slowly reintroduce it back, and deal with the cramps, because my doctor, too, at the time, said i needed more fish oil in my diet, so i would limit my fish to cooked fish, just in case, every other week. then, of course, they had the sewage dumping into the ocean by our lovely mayor, so i refused to eat any fish. (i also refused to go to the beach during this time. bleah.)

but just this year, i decided, it’s time again. i’d pick up some for parties, but only had a piece or two, and that was it. i haven’t had a lunch of it for a long, long time. and of course, now, it’s an issue with money. i just can’t afford to eat out often–most of our meals are peanut butter sandwiches. but every once in a while, i’ll “splurge.” and today, i thought, well, just a small 1/4 pound is not going to hurt me–right?

so far, so good. tummy seems settled. it was a lot more salty than i remember it, but i think it’s just because over the years i’ve become more sensitive to salt. but the fish texture was just so heavenly. that hasn’t changed at all. yum.

well, we’ll see if i’m up all night! hopefully not!

greece

…is the word, is the word, is the word…

no, but when i was in high school and college, this was my number one choice to go on a vacation. i was really into greek mythology in high school, and i wanted to see the parthenon on the acropolis, the temple of zeus among the ruins of olympia, and the many museums and amphitheaters. i was so interested in its history, that i just wanted to go there and observe everything in person, and just be in awe of the beauty and hard work that went into building these places, and see how they’ve lasted all these years. to just absorb the atmosphere that bred plato, socrates, and aristotle, pythagoras, euclid, and archimides, aesop and homer, and those sculptors, of which i don’t remember any names. 😳 but, man. that was a pretty big fantasy of mine, to be able to go to greece and be among the gods, if you will.

after graduating from college, my then-bf, who was from england and had actually gone to greece several times, had proposed, and i was a bit leery, but he enticed me with the promise of staying in greece for the honeymoon, after marrying in england for his family, and here for mine. he knew where to go–although he knew all the party areas that he often went to, he knew that i was enraptured with the historical portions, so he started planning everything, and i admit, i was giddy. to go to this fantastic place with the person i loved? to walk, hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, among the museums, stealing kisses among the columns, imagining life back then, with aphrodite smiling down on us. it was such a wonderful dream.

alas, it was just a dream, which dissolved into a foggy haze. the only doric columns i got to see were the ones that now blocked my heart.

now, though? i don’t know. i really don’t think i could handle the long, long, LONG ride halfway around the world. i hated traveling to texas, only halfway through the u.s.! to have to do that twice, and then across the atlantic, and then some more … man. the thought does not sit well with me. which is a dumb excuse, i know. i could never be on the amazing race (though i’d love to!).

i don’t know. maybe i need to be in love again.

instant?

one common thing that all three of us have is the hatred of talking on phones. i’m not sure why. it could be that my dad also hated talking on phones, so he often would make us call up places to ask when they close or if they have a certain item. it could also be that we’re just not verbal people. we didn’t really sit down as a family and just talk. we never sat down together at dinner and discussed our day, as you’d see on the television. we’d usually disappear into our own rooms, or just all eat at different times, since one person was at hula, and one was at ‘ukulele, and one was at a friend’s. my dad didn’t like to be bothered when he ate, nor did he when he was watching tv. my mom was always reading if she was not busy with housework. in cars, we’d just sing a lot the whole trip, or play our own types of ‘who said?’ type games, but that’s about it.

as we grew into teenagers, though, of course, we talked on the phone much more. we would get into big fights over time on the phone. they’d get mad at geeky me because i was always on the modem, causing friends that called to get the busy signal. but still, we hated when our dad asked us to call a certain place. bleah.

it has carried on to today. my job requires me to call a lot, and i HATE it. first, because they get so defensive, when all you’re doing is delivering a message. second, because i feel there’s so much more with facial expressions and stuff that you can read that you just can’t do on the phone. and third…i just am uncomfortable. i don’t like it. but it’s not something i can pass on to someone else to do–i have to do it myself. i will often ‘forget’ and then try to write a note the next day, but then i get in trouble for it. 😳 but, still, one of the many things i hate about my job.

the one thing i *do* like is texting. i never thought i would. i held off on it for so long. but now, all i do is text! i text colleagues, sisters, and friends. i even had to up my text package, which shocked me. but it made sense. i do communicate better with writing, so naturally, this is an easier way for me to communicate. i mean, sometimes i’d be in a discussion with people, and then hours after, i’ll email them again about it because it’s easier for me get out all the feelings i had than i could if i had to express myself verbally. i know it’s weird. maybe i don’t like having to respond right away, without thinking–i want time to think and to process my thoughts. maybe i want to make sure the other party hears my entire side without interrupting me, which they’ll have to, if they’re reading my writing. most likely, it’s just because i think i’m idiotic-sounding when i hem and haw while wondering what to say. we used to have to rehearse what we were going to say before we called for my dad, and i know that we still do this today–before we pick up the phone to have to call someone, we say aloud what we want to say. when they throw me for a loop by asking/saying something else, i get tongue-tied, and, of course, i look like an idiot. which i hate.

the only problem with the texting or ordering online rather than using the phone to call is that it’s not so instant. sometimes the response is, but sometimes, you’ll have to wait a while. especially when i’m at work–i have no time to be checking my phone and tweeting like others do–i’m busy. as soon as the first bell rings until the last, i focused in on my work, and i can’t be answering, so whoever texts me that during time will have to wait. and i know, too, that if i need an answer right away, it’s better that i call, otherwise it’s a wait from a minute to maybe an hour to even the next day. so it’s not so immediate–but it’s the best way i have right now to communicate clearly. which, again, makes me weird…but at least i’m not alone. 🙂

biologist

the other job i wanted to do was be a marine biologist. this was a big dream of mine. i loved the ocean. i thought the perfect job would be working at sea life park, taking care of the dolphins and the fish, researching, teaching, learning…the life!

it started in 12th grade. although i was recommended to take ap physics, i was curious about marine biology. i had been going to the beach a lot with my friends, and i just loved the smell of the ocean, and how alive i felt out there. i would swear that i must’ve been some sort of mermaid in my past life, because i felt so tied to the ocean, which was funny, because i cannot swim to save my life. but something would call to me, and since i was already taking 2 ap courses my senior year, i decided to forgo ap physics, and take marine biology. i loved it! it really helped me understand the power and awesomeness of the ocean.

in college, i thought i’d go into marine biology. unfortunately, it was offered only as a master’s program. so i decided to take one of the entry level courses, oceanography. while interesting, it didn’t engage me as much as the biology portion did. all those waves and stuff (which is what i guess i missed by not taking ap physics!) just didn’t seem to pull me in as much as marine biology did. i mean, it’s all important stuff to remember–the big picture and all–but still. i didn’t find it too appealing.

so i decided to try computer science, since i had done fairly well in that in high school, even being selected to go to a programming meet. but i was discouraged from entering by the t.a.s. “not for females,” i was told. “you’ll never get a job.”

bah. worse advice i ever got.

by my sophomore year, i had heard of the marine options program. it was like a certification program, instead of an actual degree, but it was one i could get into without having a bachelor’s. so i applied for it, and took the courses, and that was a lot of fun. we did a lot of field study out on coconut island. i loved it because i could concentrate on the area i wanted to, even though i still had to take another oceanography class. but there was a lot of lab work that i really liked. i so could’ve been a scientist.

after graduating with my bachelor’s, i was in limbo for a while. i had a two good jobs on campus, but i had to be a student to have them, but i just didn’t have the money for graduate school. i spent a semester unclassified, as i took all sorts of entry-level courses into graduate programs–one for marine biology (zoology), one for linguistics (this was my favorite!), one for english, and one for philosophy. i just really did not know what i wanted to do. i would’ve loved to be a marine biologist, but a linguist was also very intriguing. i also still wished i could do something with computers, as i was always interested in that. but then i was steered by one of the professors i was working for to go into teaching, which was what i thought i’d be when i was younger. i was very confused, and probably made the wrong choice. it makes me wonder exactly how different life would’ve turned out if i had made a different choice.

i think i would’ve at least been happier and less stressed.

gordon

i’ve entertained the idea of becoming a chef. just the thought of creating something so yummy out of things that are bland on their own is interesting. i have no idea of tastes or anything–i can’t tell what’s in what, like my sister can–but i just always thought it would be neat.

until i saw gordon ramsay’s shows. yikes. talk about high pressure! i remember seeing top chef every now and then and thought it was cool, but since i don’t have cable, i can’t watch it at home and can’t find it online. but on hulu, i can find kitchen nightmares and hell’s kitchen. wooooo. i don’t know what it is that draws me to gordon ramsay, because he swears a lot. but i guess it’s because what’s driving him is this incredible passion to feed and take care of people. he does it because he cares. he wants people to enjoy the food, and if you do something that may have been detrimental to someone–watch out! he will chew you out. but again, it’s because he cares for his customers. that’s the big difference you can see between him and some of the chefs on kitchen nightmare, who really, just do not care.

i’ve been told that i don’t care this year. i’ve been called many other names and accused of many other things, and nothing has stung as bad as that. so as i watch these shows, i try to see–is that what i look like? do i look like i have lost all my passion? has the fire gone from my eyes? am i just going through the motions?

i don’t know. i don’t feel as if i do, but maybe i *look* it. i’m not that energetic, enthusiastic, bubbly person that you usually picture, when you hear what my profession is. that doesn’t mean i don’t care–but compared to others, i guess it appears that way, just as i see other chefs when compared to gordon ramsay. what i think is different, though, is that they don’t change. i try hard to step out of my comfort zone. but it shows me that appearances do mean a lot. you can be doing the best job out there, but if no one sees you–or has someone else to compare you with, just by first-impressions, then really, your best does not matter, because they have already judged you. and that’s a hard thing to change.

okay, didn’t mean to go that far 🙂 the next thing on my list was just that i thought about being a chef, but after watching gordon ramsay shows, i know that i *definitely* don’t have what it takes to be one! gosh, i’d just crumble into a puddle of soft goo if i had to work under him! 😥 i wouldn’t be able to handle it. that’s why when i do see someone make it all the way to the end of hell’s kitchen, and earn gordon’s respect, i just love it. it’s heartwarming. it’s a good story. it keeps me drawn in and excited for a new season.

and if those allegations about affairs hadn’t popped up last year, he would seriously give mr craigy a run for his money.

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