blue

while driving home from my grandma’s, the song “100 years” came on the radio. man. what a downer. i again spent most of the time quiet–okay, well, i always do that, but this time i was more observing. i noticed my grandma looking at each of her great-grandchildren with a slight smile on her face. i could only imagine what was running through her mind. then she started talking to my sis’s husband about how he can do his work without getting aches, then commenting about how nice it must be to be young. then as we were leaving, she kept bringing up that we can come see her any time, not just at holidays, which made me feel bad. but i don’t know–i may just be projecting–but i kept feeling like she was looking at them wistfully, perhaps remembering when her own children were that age, or even when *we* were that age. now we’re all grown up.

we were just talking about that on facebook. my sister found a whole bunch of pictures from when we were small, and she uploaded them all onto facebook. all my cousins who are living abroad (and even those on this island, but all the way on the opposite side) started commenting and there was a lot of “OMG! remember when…” going on. it was so nice, but at the same time, it made me so sad. we’re grown up. soon it’ll be our kids having kids and we’ll be the old grandparents off to the side, wistfully watching our grandchildren, remembering when we were that young and not having a care in the world, not going through the hardships of getting older.

anyway, i had just spent the evening observing my grandma, wondering what she was thinking, how she was feeling, does she think that it’s getting toward the end? does she have regrets? or just happy memories? and then that song had to go and play on the radio. i was in tears after that, all the way home. especially remembering that when that song came out, i was about the age of the 33 year old, with a “family on my mind.” now i’m closer to the 45 year old, “heading into a crisis, chasing the years of my life.” i hate being this blue about it, but it’s a big consumption of my thoughts most of the time. i can’t help but always think that man, i need to be 10 years younger–when i was stronger, healthy, and not so achey all the time, when i had a lot of energy, when i didn’t think i was so close to “the end.” i know people say “midlife crisis” but seriously, does this only happen at the midlife, and after, it gets better? it doesn’t feel worse, as you’re getting even closer to the end? i mean, i think about what my grandma must be thinking…and i’m all sorts of melancholy. i don’t know. i mean, she probably doesn’t even think that–again, it’s probably my own projection. but i wonder…will these feelings stop? or will they get worse as i get older? will i be able to look at the young ones and smile and remember, or just be hit with pangs of remorse?

i just don’t know. but, man. i’ve got the blues in a big, bad way. 😦

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