the next fact was that since i was little, i had always dreamed of being a mommy and having a big family with lots of kids. well, not “lots of”, as in 10+ kids, but you know…more than a few. i actually thought 5 was a nice number. but as the years go on, i realize that dream will be nothing but a big disappointment for me. unless i find someone who doesn’t mind that he’s getting “used goods” and already has a big family of his own. and that’s highly unlikely.

i guess the other thing i could do is adopt. there are so many kids that come through the class that have such sad stories that i just want to take them home and love them. you know? not that i can totally change their lives around, but you know–at least give them a little hope, a little love. i’ve seen children be with foster parents and just bloom–so happy, so full of energy and life, so “loved.” then you see them just wilt when they’re given back to their parents, and back in the same situations that got them taken away in the first place. of course, this is not every child that is given back…but there have been a few. there were some where i don’t know how the person they ended up with got them–did no one else really want them? it breaks my heart. adopting never really appealed to me, because i’m sort of selfish–i’d hate to raise and love a child until they turn 18, when suddenly they declare they want to find their “real” parents. what was i doing the past 18 years? you know? the person i consider my dad is not my biological dad–but he was there for me since i could remember, driving me to hula and work, picking me up at school, instilling a love of music. i had no desire to meet my “real” father, nor do i have any even now. he didn’t want me? too bad. the one that DID want me and DID take care of me and DID love me is MY dad. no question about that. but i know not everyone is like that. people are curious to see where they came from. and i guess i could understand that. but that would sting me so badly to know that after all i gave to the child, once they’re 18, it doesn’t matter. so i don’t want to take the chance.

i’ve really, really got to change my thinking. especially since that will probably be the only option i have if i want to make my family bigger. i don’t know. we shall see.


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