bummed

alright, the next one was about me going through a midlife crisis or something, which i think i’ve already written about many times. i just get so depressed when i think the end is near, and what have i done? and not only accomplishments, but i’d like to be able to see how others grow up. i’d like to see all the new technological things that pop up. i’d like to see how some stories are wrapped up. it just consumes my thoughts most of the time, and i can’t shake them.

it got worse when a friend of mine passed away a couple of months ago. she was the same age as me. that just really hit home. i mean, on facebook, i belong to my graduating class’s group, and therefore, get updates on classmates, including some not so good updates, as people passing away. although i knew several of them who have already passed, and they are all the same age as me, and had actually passed away earlier, my friend’s one really hit me. i honestly still think of myself in my late 20s. honestly! when people ask me my age, i really do have to stop and think, because i still feel as if i’m 28 or 29. well, except for the aches. but i don’t feel myself aging until i see my reflection. i mean, most people still think i’m younger than i look (that is, MOST people. *ahem*), but then i look at myself and think gosh. then i look at my mom, my grandma, my dad…and i think, wow. i can see them aging so much. i look at my nephew, who’s now in high school, and think geez! where has all the time gone? i see former students all in college and out in the workforce, and i think whoa! they were just cute, innocent primary schoolers when i had them–and now they’re grown and have parts they shouldn’t have, at least not the way i remember them! and then, most of all, i look at my son, who will soon be taller than i am, whose looks are changing because he’s getting older, and who spouts off all this information that i don’t know from where he got it, and i think, man! he was just a little baby a while ago! he was just a little toddler not long ago! didn’t he just start preschool last year? i mean, the years have been a blur, and i just look at the result, and think, oh my gosh. time is flying by, which, to me, means that my own time here on earth won’t be much longer.

i have to find ways to shake that feeling. it helps when i go out into the sun, i’ve found. i don’t know if that’s legit, but for me, it helps. it really does brighten things up. i try to listen to cheerful songs. my mind wanders a lot, though. and it scares me, at times. i mean, i won’t do anything drastic, but i just don’t like thinking the things i do. i often wonder if another child, a “new life”, would make me feel energized again, and then i immediate shoot that down as that’s not a reason to have a child. but sometimes i wonder if that’s what i need. my own is growing so fast, i’ve had to get him new uniforms twice already this year. seeing him grow, and as well as my niece and nephew, really shows me that i myself am getting older. i know most men, including my own father, have their midlife crises by going out and getting new wardrobes, new cars/motorcycles, new, younger wives. but what do the women do? i don’t want new clothes or a new vehicle. i do want a new baby, though. hmmm. maybe there is a theme. but what sucks is men can do that–get the new wardrobe, new car, new wife, and have a new family–but women cannot. i mean, they can, but it’s harder to do the new family thing. it was hard in my late 20s; it’ll probably be near impossible in my late 30s! and then what’ll happen when i hit menopause? YIKES. i think i’ll REALLY feel the depression then.

argh. i really think i need the sun right now! thankfully, it is a nice, bright, sunshiney day. 🙂

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