incensed

i got some bad news about my mom last night and being the big worrywart that i am, it made me toss and turn all night. i had already been thinking such morbid thoughts, so this latest news did not help one bit. the few times i did actually go to sleep, my dreams were filled with her. there was one part though that made me feel something i had never felt in a long while–possibly not since i was a child.

i was at my mom’s house, sitting with my son and my sister, talking about my mom. my sister’s just as big a worrywart as i am, so we were both talking about my mom, upset and bewildered. this is something we would actually do, so it felt very real. then all of a sudden, i remember–my car! my mom’s place has a tow-away zone between 3:30-5:30, so every time i’m visiting, i usually have to move my car at 3:30, find some side street to park on, which are all metered, so i put in enough for 2 hours, before going back to move my car back. this is a common routine for me. there were several times i went out at like 3:35 only to find a cop there, waiting to write a ticket. but in my dream, i looked at the time–it was 5:47!!! ACK! i dash out of the house, with my son at my side, praying that please, please, please, i was not towed. please, please, please, please…

my son ran out ahead of me to look. as i turned the corner, i saw the usual scene after 5:30–people starting to pull in and park along the street again. i scanned the area where i had left my car–it was gone. GONE.

now i’ve had dreams before where i went out and my car was gone. but my reaction in this one was strange–i started stamping the ground, upset. i was so filled with rage at myself. i just stood there, stamping the ground, not really screaming, but anguishly moaning, and then i started to cry. i was heaving with sobs, lamenting the fact that there was no way in the world i would be able to afford to pay to get my car back (which is true). how was i supposed to get my car? how am i supposed to pay to release it, AND the ticket? what would i lose? and i sobbed and sobbed, and stamped and stamped. my son, seeing how i was affected, started to tear up, and tried to console me, but i was just so upset.

and then i woke up, with that same feeling of anguish-filled rage. gosh. it was weird.

i tried to go back to sleep, but i was still so worked up. i still kinda am. but now i’ve got to go get ready for work. it’s going to be a long day.

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