prompt #5

Wednesday, July 7, 2010
What’s one skill you wish you had? What’s keeping you from learning it?

i wish i had more people skills. i was always very shy. i was actually getting better at it, through college, and afterwards, until the year i got shot down by some people, and since then, i’ve withdrawn even further. i’m literally afraid when going to a certain part of town, for fear of running into one of them and being chastized in front of everyone by them (this happened once, a year later–they still didn’t forget!). my stomach gets into knots still, just driving to that area. i keep my head down and refuse to look anyone in the eye. i don’t know what’s keeping me from being more out there–i *have* to, with my job. but there’s just this fear inside of me–a fear of failure, a fear of humiliation, a fear of people out there judging and hating me. i try so hard to make people happy that it kills me to know that i don’t. i’m constantly told, you can’t please everyone, and i know that’s true, but it’s just so ingrained in me that you do what you’re told and you be a nice person, and the fact that i can’t make someone happy really deflates me. most of it was from that one year, but i’m starting to feel it again with this past year, with two different people hating me, and i fear running into them at like k-mart or something. i don’t know why. i know i’m not being a good role model for my son by hiding–he’s taken after me with my shyness, of course–who else has he got to model himself after? i try to push myself out there, which makes me feel so uncomfortable, but i do it just for his sake. still…i need to get over this fear for myself and start acclimating myself back into the public and be able to have conversations again. but i truly don’t think i can do that until, ironically enough, i am “out of the public eye” — not in a position where i am recognized out in the streets. i want to blend in with the crowd and not singled out. and then once “in” i think it will help me relax more. it’s one thing i never thought of, being in this job, that lots of people are going to recognize you, and it makes me so uncomfortable, especially knowing that a few of them out there hate me. sometimes i wonder if in a previous life i was some boozing superstar or politician constantly followed by paparazzi that this makes me so afraid now? well, i guess that whole paparazzi thing started when i was already alive, so it’s not possible, but still. i need to learn how to fight these fears and get out there in the public and be a contributing member. it’s going to take a whole lot of mind changing that i’m not sure is all that possible. 😦


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: