I evoked many emotions today.
The first was ire. This is the second time that a parent has had this happen to her, and she was not too happy. The first one was not my fault, though I could’ve prevented it if I planned better, and she was accepting of my apology. This second one was–frankly–her fault, but I could’ve prevented it if I had followed through. I didn’t see the need to, as she did *sign off* that she read my note, but … I already know that in the opinion of admin, I should’ve done more. I was told she was even more upset at the way the office handled her call very tersely and without compassion, which was unfortunate, but now *I* was the one left to assuage the wrath. I still have to deal with her the rest of the year. If I were in her position, I think I would be a bit irritated as well, and if I was treated poorly by the office staff, I probably would’ve been even more annoyed. I felt very bad that this has happened to her twice in a row, but honestly, the second one should’ve been avoided–but with the long weekend, I can see how she could’ve forgotten. Still, she is not the happy camper she used to be with me.
The second was disbelief. We were discussing a term that I seriously thought everyone knew–I mean, they mention it on the news *all*the*time*. One person was saying what her 10-year old son thought the term meant, and everyone laughed. Then she went on to explain to her son what the term means, and everyone’s jaw dropped. Wait, what? That’s what it means? and on and on and on. I was dumbfounded. We went around, with everyone admitting they too didn’t know what that meant. Then they got to me. I said yes, I knew what it meant. But then no one believed me by then! I was started to be quizzed by everyone on all the history and stuff, and I didn’t know the history! I just knew what it meant. So that reinforced in them as well that I was lying about knowing what the term means. And I don’t like to protest–I just keep hearing “doth protest too much” so I don’t even though it’s true. But, geez, Louise!
The third was one of tears, both mine and another’s. We, as a grade level, were getting scoldings for not doing our work. I kept my head down and took the lashings as normal. Afterwards, the one giving us the scoldings came to visit me and said she wanted to catch me before I went home because she wanted to apologize for the talk and wanted to let me know that she didn’t mean me, but she had to include the whole grade level. Then her voice breaks as she says that she knows that I always feel bad about things, and take them to heart, and she didn’t want me to go home and beat myself up about it and “not be able to sleep.” By then, she was crying, saying she wanted me to know that she did not mean me, because she knows I work hard, that I read a LOT, and that I’m totally dedicated to getting better and doing what’s best for the kids. She said to please not take her words which were meant for other people on the grade level and feel down about it. I felt SOOOO bad. I got the feeling she’s tiptoeing around me because she knows I’m way too sensitive, so I’ve told her before to please not hide her comments from me, because I *need* to know. How else would I get better? But I guess she knows me well, because what do I do? I do go home and feel bad. I constantly go over in my mind what I could’ve done better, how can I help this kid, what more can I do for that one, how I should be working harder… In addition to that, I felt bad for making her cry, because she thought she had hurt my feelings. I tried to choke out a “no, it’s okay,” but by then I was in tears, too (I can’t stand seeing other people cry). We gave each other a hug and she quickly got out of there, again repeating that she was sorry and to please not let what she said get me down because I really do work hard, and that “the school can’t afford to lose you.” Wow. After she left, I really broke down. I want to email her to let her know that please, please, please don’t feel like she has to apologize, but I didn’t want her to feel embarrassed, for having shed tears over something as silly as me. But I so didn’t realize that the way I feel about myself is visible to others, enough for her to pick up on it, and kinda “call me out” on it. Someone must’ve brought it up to her, as well, because she can be real gung-ho, but I understand her. She really, really cares about the kids. Seriously. But all that passion she has sometimes comes out the wrong way, and she probably was “talked” to about that, so I’ve noticed lately that she’s been very apologetic and constantly seeming to analyze our emotions, and goes from there, even if that means she won’t tell us something because she thinks it might hurt our feelings. It might be true, but I want her to know that really, I WANT to know. I NEED to know, in order to get better, right? But anyway, I don’t know if she picked it up from me, or if someone somewhere told her how ultra-sensitive I am, but she knows, and that made HER feel bad that she knew it would bother me all night. So that, in turn, made ME feel so bad. oy. I have a headache.
The fourth was love. We were in a meeting all day (one part of which we got our scoldings), so I didn’t get to see my kids until the end of the day. I went to pick them up and lead them back to the classroom, and I just don’t know what got into them. They were so darn loving! They kept hugging me. One boy came up and held my hand (on his own volition!) for the whole rest of the afternoon. When it was time for them to pack up and go, several of them went AWWW and went on and on about how they wish school didn’t have to end. They were commenting me on my hair, my clothes, giving me hugs. I seriously don’t know WHAT got into them today. They must’ve had a terrible time with the resources!
Okay, so not *many* emotions. But powerful ones, I guess. And they were all my fault.