Archive for August, 2011

If you could go back in time and relive one day of your life, which would you choose?

OH MY GOSH! wordpress gives prompts now?!?!?! where have you been all this time?!?!??!?!

thanks. let’s see, if i could go back in time and relive one day…would it be exactly the same? like, am i reliving it because it was such a good day and i want all those good feelings back again? or is it that i’m reliving it because i want to change it a little to make it better??? hmmm…

one to relive again just to relive it and revisit the feelings would be the birth of my son, which even though i said a bit in the post before (sorry, meant to be a once in a while drop in note, but WOW! prompts!!!), i still would like to rekindle all those feelings again–elation, worry, impatience, relief, pride–it was a scary, but happy time. not to mention–ouchie.

one to relive (i keep typing relieve!) again to be able to change it…that’s more difficult. there are several days i can think of that i would like to take back, as i know it put me on a course of heartbreak and disappointment. but what would i have done differently? and how can i guarantee that what i would do differently would put me on a better path? it might have (in my fantasies, it does), and it might have totally flipped my life upside down. i probably would not have the great, loving boy i have now, but would i have had more? it’s always the “what if”s, huh? and for someone who likes to think and reflect, the “what if”s are mighty dangerous.

hmm. i guess i would pick a date where i really struggled with a decision. i wanted it so bad and was excited for the change, yet i was so apprehensive at going into this new territory. and looking back now, i can see that it was a horrible outcome for me. what did i gain but heartbreak, white hairs, and a severe loss of confidence? i didn’t even really make any close friends or connections that have helped me later on down the road. so even though there are some romantic decisions that i think i would like to have changed, i think the one i most would have changed was the one where i moved into what i thought were “greener pastures,” but was instead a maggot-infested hellhole. if i had turned down the offer, i think i could have avoided that whole pain. would i have gotten it later on? perhaps, but honestly, not on the scale i had received it back then. i might’ve been older and more mature and more …trusted… to maybe not have done as bad as i did. i had never felt like a failure before (well, okay, once i got a ‘C’ on my progress report, and i did feel like an utter failure then, but that was nothing compared to this!). this just hit it on the head that i am not anything special and it made me become more of a realist. things are not so rosy any more. and really, with the troubles that have been going on in the past couple of years at the place where i left, it probably would have come to me, but again, i think i would have been better able to handle it. i don’t know. i just kinda think i would. and this happened after my son so my decision here wouldn’t affect his having been born or anything 🙂

oooh let’s see what other prompts this thing gives me! 😀

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pontificate

i’m not really sure what i’m doing. just kinda spewing. i don’t even know what pontificate means, really, but i like the sound of the syllables. actually, in my head, there’s an extra syllable in there, an “er” somewhere in the middle. but it gave me the red squiggly line, so i guess it’s not a real word. it probably doesn’t mean what i think it means, but oh well. pontificate it is.

is it weird that i just started another blog? seriously, that’s 8 of them. EIGHT! what am i to do with 8? who knows. who cares, really. as long as i can keep chattering away, it’s fine, i guess.

i guess i’m in a mood. today makes 10 years. TEN! right about this time i think i was being wheeled out of the operating room and into the recovery room, still in shock at what had happened. slowly getting my feeling back (the nurse would poke me with a fork every couple of minutes or so until i could feel it), and absolutely dying of thirst, but given nothing but ice chips. ice chips suck when your throat is so itchy from an impending cold and you have had not a drop to drink for over 16 hours. bleah. i was glad it was over and everything seemed to be going okay, but i worried as i was given no updates or anything and wasn’t sure what the heck was going on, after catching only a few seconds of a glimpse before they whisked him away. but what a journey it has been since then. it just hit me a while ago that it’s been a whole DECADE. geez.

geez i’m definitely in a mood. but a very reflective one. i find myself doing that a LOT. i mean, i was always one to reflect, but i do it even more so, and much more in depth. why? is it me getting older? or something else? i don’t know.

i don’t know where i’m going with this, so i’ll just stop now. i just kinda wanted to explore the mind. and take the time to wish my boy a good one. even though he’s already asleep, heh. and then maybe reflect a bit on my new blog. i don’t know. i’m not really sure what i’m doing…