ponder

i’ve been in a glum mood lately.  i just feel so … mortal.  everything i hear or read reminds me of death, and then i start weeping uncontrollably.  it’s been a while since i’ve been feeling pains, but while certain doctors shrug it off, i feel it’s something deep in there.  then i noticed a change that when i looked up on google (which i really shouldn’t do, it scares me so) definitely points to what i fear.  i already know two people who are near my age that have been diagnosed, and 2 more that were younger than me that died.  i can’t help but worry that i’m next, and then all i can think about is what’s going to happen after–to my son, my family, my possessions.  how the world is just going to go on its merry path and all these new things would come out that i would have no idea about.  and then finally, i’m gone, like that, from everyone’s memories.  and … i just can’t stand it.  i long to be young again.  i long to be at an age where i didn’t have to think of things like this (though admittedly, i remember thinking these thoughts when i was 5-6).  i’ve hit mid-life crisis bad, no kidding.

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