i love the movie grease, so i was happy to see that glee was doing grease. i know these songs so well due to my watching this movie at least once a day every day of my youth. my sisters and i were obsessed! so although i don’t watch glee any more, i looked up the songs on youtube and enjoyed them this past week as they brought back many happy memories.
however, now there are two songs that i just cannot get out of my head, and they are the sad ones. i hate to feel so melancholy, but i really don’t know that going out into the open will make me feel any better. last night i found out that my grandma is in the hospital.
i thought it was sort of strange, when i saw her on thanksgiving. my grandma, though nearly 90, was always very strong, physically as well mentally. she always had a smile for you, and always insisted that you stop in for a little while, so she could make you something. and i guess, for me, not only being her first granddaughter, but also her namesake, she always seemed to look out especially for me. maybe not only because of the name and granddaughter thing, but she could sense that i needed looking after 😛 but you know? she always had a smile for me as soon as she saw me, and would wrap her arms around my shoulders and usher me in, making me sit so she could feed me something, talk about jeopardy!, and ask about life. so when we drove up and her dog started barking and barking, i thought it was strange that she had not appeared at the door right away to see who it was. it took her a long time to emerge.
when she did, she wasn’t smiling. it was like she didn’t see me, so i went up and said, hi, grandma! she didn’t respond. i was the first one out of the car, holding my dish, so i kinda looked back at everyone else at the car, and my grandma mentioned they were having dinner at my cousin’s house, down the driveway. so i walked over and set my dishes down, and then wondered why no one else had followed me. my cousin’s wife let me know that grandma wasn’t feeling well; she would not be coming to dinner. so i went back out, and saw the rest of them all standing there talking to my grandma. i thought maybe they didn’t know she wasn’t feeling well, so i went up to tell them, but they had started to walk over to my cousin’s, so i turned back and went in. i thought, oh, that’s what was off about grandma–she’s ill. but like always, i knew she was strong and would overcome it.
the rest of the night, the party grew and grew as more family members showed up. my cousin’s wife said to us that my grandma had quit smoking, cold turkey! she just hasn’t had the craving for it, my cousin’s wife said. the drawback was that they never saw her any more–all she would do was lie down, she wouldn’t come out every two hours and sit on the porch as she smoked her cigarette. now, i thought this was odd. my grandma didn’t even emerge? she has a dog that is her constant companion–she loved nothing more than taking him out and throwing a few tennis balls out so he’d get exercise. she loved to sit and watch the sunrise, and the sunset. she’d count the airplanes that flew past and knew the flight times pretty well, and always wondered where they were flying off, too. if she was not even coming out of the house–and not smoking–something was wrong. i could feel it.
a little later, my mom and my aunty were sitting and talking. my aunty lives in the house next to my grandma, and looks over her–takes her grocery shopping, doctor’s, visiting. my aunty was telling my mom about how frustrated she has been with my grandma–she knows something is wrong, but my grandma won’t tell her what’s wrong. not only has she stopped smoking, but my aunty said she barely eats at all. but when my aunty asks her what’s wrong, my grandma shrugs it off. my aunty brings her all kinds of food, but my grandma won’t eat. when grocery shopping, all my grandma wanted was cranberry juice. when my aunty asked why, she was told, “oh i just feel like drinking it.” my grandma has had kidney & bladder infections in the past, so whenever this happens, she always drinks cranberry juice, so my aunty thought this was what was going on. but my grandma denied anything was wrong.
the friday after thanksgiving, my aunty had had enough, i guess. although my aunty had her young granddaughter in tow for the whole weekend, she decided she would take my grandma to the doctor. the doctor advised that she be taken to the emergency room, because they’d be able to do tests right then and there, whereas the doctor would have to wait for the tests to be done, and then get the results back later. it was then, in the early afternoon of a happy friday of no work, that my mom (at whose house i was staying) got the call that grandma was in the hospital.
that put a damper on all our spirits. we just saw her yesterday! and, yes, she was not her usual self, but we thought she was just feeling under the weather. we didn’t think it was anything dire.
i had to go meet my dad, who lived near me, so i left, and then afterwards, i just stayed at my house, to check in with all the pets, but also, because i knew traffic would be horrible (the annual day-after-thanksgiving christmas parade), and there would be no parking. my sister texted me with worry about grandma, and i chimed in, too, that i was really worried. grandma was just not grandma, you know? i texted. she agreed something was off.
at about 9 at night, my sister texted me with the grim news. some tumors were found. because of her age, it was still up in the air about they were going to do. for now, she’s just being observed, getting necessary fluids, and medicine until they can decide what’s going to happen.
it’s okay, i tried to tell myself. my grandma will pull through. she’s strong! but the two saddest songs from glease, which i had been watching to try and take my mind off things, kept circling in my head. and it would only make me stop and cry. i tried to watch other videos, but i’d start crying as one song went over in my head. then i tried to watch netflix, but the ohter song would repeat. and i just couldn’t stop crying.
i did not sleep at all last night. i’m still hanging on, but imagine that i will soon be crashing for most of the day. or not, if other news comes in. i’m afraid of going to visit her, as i know i’d be a crying mess, and i don’t want to think of it as the “final” visit. but i know i will have to do that, soon. and it is breaking my heart.