i’ve been reflecting a lot on people this past week–what motivates us to do the things we do. why certain people act certain ways. why people think the things they do. i so should have been a psychologist.

i’ve especially been thinking about my co-workers. we’ve been working hard and staying late a lot these past few weeks. we are trying to get a project done before the end of the quarter. the problem is that i do not get along well with my co-workers. they are very catty; i’m beginning to dislike working with women! when i worked in an office full of men, i never had these problems! i just don’t understand it. you’d think we were all in the same boat here, so we’d have more empathy for each other, right? but try as i might, i just can’t seem to get along with them. their talking bad of others just irritates me, and i always can’t help but think gee, what do they say about *me* behind my back? you know? i have no trust in them at all. and most of the meeting time is devoted to complaining about others, that it’s gotten to the point that i try to avoid every meeting possible. when they catch me and i end up having to go to the meeting, i just sit there on my laptop, trying to do my work as stealthily as possible, because really? i have nothing to contribute to their diatribes of hate. i’d rather not be included in such talk. yet, i have to be there to be a “team player.” so to the outsider, yes, it looks like we are a solid team, always working together. what they do not know is how alone i feel sitting there, even though surrounded by my “team.” that while they are gossiping about so-and-so and you-know-who, i am there on my laptop, trying to do some of the work i *could’ve* been doing if it had not been for the meeting. it’s a bad situation, and i don’t think it can be fixed, try as hard as our administrators do. it’s going to take one party leaving, because we just do not work well together. i always volunteer to leave but it’s just that i don’t know what i’d do if i did and was not able to get another job. :S

i’ve also been thinking about family. my dad moved to a town on the opposite end from us now. it made more sense for them to do so because most of the activities their child is involved in and where they all work is on the other end, so now they are closer to all that. but a part of me wonders if i had to something to do with the decision. i know this makes me seem like i’m so self-centered. and maybe i am. but i noticed that while helping my dad pack up and move, he talked freely to me, while his wife was very closed-lipped. she usually tried very hard to make me feel included, especially since i was the last one of my dad’s first family to really “warm up” to her (i still haven’t totally). but it’s like now she doesn’t care. they’re moving away; now she no longer has to be nice to me.

then it made me think–wow. maybe that’s how i come off to my co-workers? i mean i kinda don’t care, either. whatever, they can come together and talk bad about others, but i’m just gonna sit there like a good team player, and do my own work, like a not-good-team player because i just don’t care about what they have to say. and i guess that’s perceived as not being very nice, either. 😦

so it really made me think all last night and today. the way i perceived my dad’s wife is probably how others perceive me. so the next step for me is to not be like that. i just have to figure out a way how, because i surely can’t move halfway across the island to escape them. not for another year, at least…


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