i don’t know if it’s because i wrote about him yesterday (probably), my looking up different environments (as it had a lot of foresty things) or because i’ve been watching ally mcbeal a lot lately and thinking about the whole regrets/lost love thing, but i had a dream last night involving an ex. i have not even dreamt of him in years, nor have more than a passing thought once in a long, long while. maybe it was all 3. but for some reason…i dreamt of him.

i was on a trip to london, supposedly with friends and family (they were kinda interchangeable). i ran into j. we talked a bit, drove around, and ended up sleeping together. when i was back with my family i kinda lost track of him–didn’t really take notice because of all the other activities that were happening, i was here with one family person and then here with a friend, and then at some sort of workshop thing with colleagues–just here and there, and busy, so not with him. i kinda remember making a vague comment about him to a colleague, with my trying to make it seem like it was no big deal, in the same kind of atmosphere as that bar ally mcbeal them all went to after work (see, that’s how that crept in!).

then i was on a second trip to london. j wooed me back, saying he didn’t get to spend that much time with me, so he wanted this second trip to be with just him–no one else. so i agreed and flew back to london. the whole time in the car on the way to the same hotel that was in the middle of the rain forest (do they even have them in london?? anyway, that’s from all the environment study/field trip that crept in!) from earlier in the dream, he kept talking to me the whole time about how much he missed me, how he couldn’t stop picturing us having sex, how great it was, how he hadn’t felt like that in a long time, etc. i kinda rolled my eyes through most of this and was my usual suspicious self. we finally get to the hotel and he drops me off in the front, saying go get ready in the room while he parked the car, so we could commence our sexual escapades he had planned as soon as he got back. so i get out, and he races off.

but he never shows.

i am just left standing in that hotel lobby, waiting. it has been hours–it was now nighttime, and he had never come back. i suddenly realize that i am stuck–i have nowhere to stay (hotel reservations were never booked), knew no one there, didn’t have my luggage (it was still in the car)–that i was utterly and completely alone. a flash in my mind led me to think that he overheard the way i had brushed him off earlier when talking about it with a friend, my trying to not make it seem like it was a big deal. when of course it was, but you know, pride and all. and as i sat there, realizing i was stranded, i figured out through flashes that he had overheard me say that, after our great sex, me saying it was ‘nothing special.’ while he was standing there waiting to get a chance to talk to me. and that had hurt him, and that’s why he was now getting back at me–flattering me so the whole way to london and in the car ride to the distant hotel, to make me all lovey-dovey–just to dump me there, and leave me all alone.

oh man.

i woke up with such a heartache. seriously, i felt so junk, and felt all that heartbreak all over again. i mean, that’s how he left me in real life, too–just stranded me, without me knowing what went on, with no explanation, no sound reason. and so all those junk feelings came back, after 15+ years. i stayed in bed for several minutes after the alarm sounded, with tears in my eyes and all that hurt again. it was awful.


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