i don’t know if it’s because i’ve been away for a while now but all i can think of lately is work. while at the hospital, i passed the time with reading work material and in my times of rest, i was thinking of what i can do when i finally get back. i normally go in to work on sundays but since i have to get my rest i didn’t go in today. but that didn’t mean i wasn’t planning, i wasn’t making things, and i wasn’t researching.

when checking my email today, i came across one that had links to others who have been videoed doing their jobs so that we can learn from them. you always get valuable information from that so i decided to watch a few. hmm. there was one where i was just so turned off. her voice bugged me. the way she spoke made me roll my eyes. yet, i couldn’t help but think–that’s probably what i sound like! my voice bugs me and i can’t stand listening to myself, so it’s a wonder anyone else does. but i wonder if the way i speak makes others roll their eyes? i get a few observers every once in a while, and i wonder if i make their skin crawl the way that person’s style did mine? she just sounded so condescending and so loud, like she was putting on a show–and she was. i mean, i give her credit; i could never be videotaped and then have it shown to people all across the country. i don’t have that confidence. but it just seemed so showy and i wondered if she was like that all the time or just because the cameras were there. because i was looking at it from the clients’ perspective, and i didn’t like it. it turned me off. i’d have been one of the ones looking all around and not paying attention. i don’t like to be talked to in that way.

but i wonder…do i do that, too?

i guess the best way to do that is to videotape myself and see. i know if i wanted to get nationally certified i’m going to have to do that. i don’t know why i want to get nationally certified, though, as i’m always threatening to leave this job. but i’m kinda curious in a way. although how would i be able to change that if that’s just the way i am? hmm.

i also was thinking about my coworker. she brags all the time about how well she’s doing, how the ones she works with just get it, and how well they do on performance-based activities. mine don’t, so i don’t really like talking to her because she just makes me feel real bad. but i was thinking about it and wondering if what she really wants is validation. maybe that’s all she really wants–for someone to tell her, hey, good job. i can’t fathom it because it’s not something i would brag about, but i guess i wouldn’t know, as i’ve never had those kind of results. but i probably would want some sort of validation, too. you know? maybe that’s why she keeps bringing those points up–she wants someone to tell her, hey, great! but meanwhile i’m just selfishly looking at myself, and feeling sorry for myself because i couldn’t get the same results. what a horrible co-worker i have been.

anyway, off to finish watching the videos. i had to take a break because she just annoyed me so. but i should put myself in her shoes and realize she has much more courage than i do, and all in the name of making everyone else better. i should be so helpful.


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