oh gosh does my heart ache right now.
on Facebook, a parent of a former student i had posted a video of the concert last night. it hurt my heart soooo bad to watch it. it’s funny, because i was JUST thinking about the song (i even tweeted it last night). and then today i see the video and wow. my heart felt so full from the love yet quite a bit of ache from the hurt.
when they first taught us the song, i didn’t really care for it. mostly because i didn’t care for the people who came in and took over. they changed everything. and change is good, yes. but i knew that we were stepping on toes. and it just seemed so ironic that they were acting like the people before them whom they hated, for coming in and taking away what was there first and imposing their own style. they hated those people, yet they were acting the same way! no respect for what was already there. it had to be their way or no way. they changed our oli, they changed our mele, and they changed our protocol. then they demanded that we do this song. a former colleague even mentioned that the original songwriter belonged to her family, and no one ever asked permission to use it. others were whispering that they stole things from them–again, ironic, because they are so against those who did that to them. so that kind of made me resent the song and resent these people that just came in and took over and eventually, pushed me out. although i loved the flow of the words–the syllables just matched so wonderfully, i thought–it always left a sour taste in my mouth.
now it’s ten years later. the kids stand proudly on the stage, and sing strongly, with obvious love in their voices. i’m on the other side now–on the outside peering in. and, man, did my heart hurt. it seriously did ache as i watched the video. how i longed to be back on that side again. how i loved hearing the song. how the song made me feel a part of them, again, if even just for a second.
it makes me wonder if i will be doing the same if i leave this time. i’ve already let the boss know–a step i haven’t taken in the past. i don’t know what the boss will say, or if my request will even be addressed. probably not. but will it make me want to go back? even though it’s horrible, will i want to return? because it was pretty bad then, and i left…and now i want back in. i really had to remind myself of all the things i had to go through that led me to leave in the first place. but then i remember the rotten year i had after i left, which made me curse myself for ever leaving in the first place. how much different would my life be now? hmm.
anyway. my heart broke again (funny, because i answered that question on the meme just yesterday! what’s with all the things happening yesterday that came true today???) watching that video. i was proud, but at the same time, very, very sad. a song that i really didn’t care for now makes me long to go back. sigh.