Archive for November, 2014

yay!

it’s over! i’ve done it yet again! 🙂 woohoo! 😀

though i’m a bit sad as i looked all over the blogher site and could not find a badge for the end of nablopomo! 😦

i do these things just for the badge!! it’s a feeling of accomplishment!! 😛

i guess i’ll have to make my own. *sigh*

Screen Shot 2014-11-30 at 3.26.08 PM

thank you onlinebadgemaker!

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shucks

I had been working on the other blogs and updating stuff before shutting down my computer and snuggling into bed … before realizing I didn’t do this one. bah!! I didn’t want to start up everything again so I’m just here on my phone. another busy day and got a bunch of stuff to do for all the gifts this year and now I’m too comfy in bed to do anything else. 😛

family day

spent the day at my sister’s–while she was out with her 2 oldest kids black friday shopping, i went over to help my mom watch the younger kids. my nieces are quite the character. i have one who takes after her family members–she’s always laughing at me and calling me “big fat-fat,” while pounding my tummy. she’s kinda mean. but really, that’s the type of role models she has. and it’s different because when she was young, she hated me! she refused to even look at me, refused to talk to me, and always hid behind my sister’s legs whenever i came into the room. i almost felt bad for walking into the room when she was there, because she would go from a loud, energetic little toddler, to a quiet, shy one, hiding behind my sister. she refused to come out from behind my sister’s legs if i was in the room. and if that didn’t make me feel even more like an ogre, she wouldn’t even try to walk past me. she’d just stay put, so my mom would like it when i came in while she was watching her, because then she would go from rambunctious to timid. yeah, i have that effect on kids. :/

however, she got over that, and now she always runs to greet me by pounding me on my tummy and yelling, “big fat-fat” and running away laughing. when i walk in, she points and laughs and again reiterates the “fat-fat” thing. sigh.

my other niece, though, is a bit more friendly. she’s really into video games, and she really bonded with my son, even though he thinks of her as a bother who is always following him around. but i think because of the video games, she and i get along much better than me and her sister. but, man, that girl can talk! on and on and on…sometimes i think too that it doesn’t even matter that i’m there…she’s just talking to talk, probably to herself. i mean, i contribute and all, but there are times when she’ll just keep on talking, and not wanting my input. in fact, sometimes, i’ll walk away to get a drink of water or something, and i return, and she’s still sat in the same place, still talking away, as if i had never left. seriously. she cracks me up.

but it was nice to be able to spend time with the family. my son and my mom sat near each other, with him testing out his spanish on her. i was either sitting with my talkative niece, or watching the baby, who loves to dance, so we are always grooving together. my son and i sat together, him showing me his pokédex, and then letting me play zelda on his 3ds. my mom and i enjoyed leftovers for lunch together, talking about work and watching over the girls. it was nice, with just us…something i would not have had yesterday. then later my sister came home and i got to talk a bit with my nephew. my nephew and i were so super close when he was younger, but when he got to the teen years, we kinda drifted apart. he’s now in college, and it was nice to just sit and talk with him a bit. i haven’t done that in a long, long time. my sister and i didn’t get to talk as much–usually we get into work stuff, or we bust out a game and play together, but she seemed tired after the black friday shopping, so we didn’t get to talk as much as usual. turns out she met my other sister at the mall to shop, so it’s nice to know my other sister has been around, even if i hadn’t seen her in ages, either. i still worry about her husband, though. i don’t know where he is, or what he got to do for yesterday, knowing he has no other family here. that made me kinda sad. but otherwise, it was a nice, nice day with my sister’s family and my mom. i think i need more of these in the future to keep my spirits up. or i need some little one around, preferably one that’s kind *side-eye at my niece* to just really keep me distracted from the places my mind goes to. perhaps that is what grandchildren are for. my mom delights in seeing her grandchildren, and i remember my grandma so happy to see us. they must be a worthy distraction when the rest of your life is just thinking about how the end is near. that’s why we need little kids around. i only wish i had more.

thanksgiving

i was actually okay about not going anywhere for thanksgiving. i mean, i was a little sad that i won’t get to see the whole family, but a little part of me was happy that i could just relax at home. my mom was at my sister’s and although my sister did invite us up there, i just feel so out of place with her inlaws, which would have been everyone else there except my mom. they’re just…not very nice people. they are critical of every thing. they don’t like that i’m unmarried with a kid, and that i’m fat. oh gosh that whole family puts so much value on being stick thin and pretty. the pressure all the wives feel to getting back to stick thin after having a baby is so sad. one even had bariatric surgery to help her get really skinny. i could never yield to that kind of pressure! i mean, i probably could use bariatric surgery but i just don’t see why you should mess up your insides like that. mine are probably messed up enough already! but anyway she had the surgery, and now she’s stick thin like everyone else and it just makes me sad. she didn’t have to do that. i didn’t think she was all that big, anyway? geez. but anyway it makes me uncomfortable to be there because they all whisper about how big and ugly i am and how i’m not married and that i have a bastard child. i really don’t like being there with all of them, so i was dreading going up there for thanksgiving when my mom first told me she was going to be with them for thanksgiving. i was more encouraged when my son said he didn’t really care to go there, either, because he feels out of place. that’s fine, i thought. we’d have thanksgiving by ourselves. my other sister is probably off at her new friends’ houses, and my mom was with my sister and her family, so i was fine with being by myself.

yesterday we went to a chinese take-out place and i on purpose ordered extra–that would be our thanksgiving dinner, leftover chinese food! my son actually wanted a rotisserie chicken, but he likes it fresh out of the oven, and costco is closed on thanksgiving. i didn’t want to roast one, either. so we were just going to have our chinese food, and that was enough.

the rest of the day was fine–i just lounged about and enjoyed the day off. then for dinner, my son brought out all the take-out containers and put it between us, and we ate and talked. it was nice.

but then, i was just overcome with intense sadness. it was just so bad. is this what i’m subjecting my son to? this is probably why he’s not very social. am i robbing him of family ties? would my mom be upset? just where is my other sister? and for that matter, where is her husband? is he out there on the streets, all alone on thanksgiving? what has happened to our family?? and i just became so overcome with these dreary thoughts that i could no longer eat. i put down my fork and just leaned back and tried desperately to forget all those thoughts by engaging my son in talk. but even as he was talking, i could feel my mind wandering into the sad territory, and i just was so upset. holidays are supposed to be a time for family. we were a close family. then my dad left, and, well, in some ways, we all got closer. we all rallied around my mom and supported her and we just hung out all the time and were always together. for years it was us, strong and supportive. we would always go see my grandma and had family holiday get togethers at my grandma’s house, and it was okay that my dad was no longer there. we still had each other. then a couple of years ago, my grandma passed away. last year we still met at my aunty’s house, whom my grandma was with in her last years, but it did feel empty. i could feel that the family has grown apart. i guess…all the kids are now older with kids of their own…and those kids are getting older. why, my nephew is in college already! my cousins’ kids are all in their teens, and i don’t know…we’re just all getting older and growing apart. we had the common bond of watching our kids all play together, but now they’re older and don’t want to play, and we just sit there and…i don’t know. i guess my grandma really was the glue of our family. and now that she has gone, the family just felt empty. it was almost like we weren’t even all related–just strangers sitting in a room, no one really talking, no one really bonding. it was kinda sad. and now this year…nothing. no get together at all. kinda sad. 😦 and then this past year, with the things going on with my sister, it’s like she’s gone, too. my dad, my grandma, my sister…our family is splitting up and although i could get over the first one (well, it’s been quite a few years since my dad left…i suppose in those early years, it was just as hard…), getting over my grandma being gone has been difficult, and then with my sister always gone and not around for family things…not even her own nieces’ birthday parties…it’s just weird. we used to be really close, but i no longer know her any more. i really feel like my family is just me and my son, sometimes. and i guess it just really hit me then while we were having our dinner. it really is just me and him. i just couldn’t eat any more. i covered up all the containers and put them away, and then came into my room, my son going to his. and i lay there in bed for a while, just thinking.

about 10 minutes later, my mom texted me asking where we were. i told her i wasn’t feeling too well. she asked if it was my heart again, and in a way, it was. i just told her i didn’t have an appetite and was feeling rundown. she said aww and that she misses us. then she said to rest up and take care. for some reason, that made me feel a whole lot better. i got out of bed and went to the icebox, getting out one of the containers. i ate a couple pieces of chicken before putting it back. then i stopped by my son’s room, and i helped him recite his psalms and we sang a few songs from his school, my alma mater, the thing that connects us, and we laughed at some of our misremembering of words. then i came back to my room, feeling better.

until i wrote all of this, then the sadness came back. blah. hahaha.

but otherwise it was a nice, peaceful thanksgiving without a lot of cruel whisperings or ostracizing. not a lot of food, but, hey. we were fine. 🙂 we will survive. in a much kinder, peacefuller environment. 😀 that’s something to be thankful for. 🙂

thankful

i am so thankful for the four day weekend 🙂 i can’t wait until break. we get three weeks this year, which is nice. i can’t wait for it but at the same time i wish there was just a little bit more time–so much to do! it’s just moving by so fast. it’s almost 2015! i swear, i still think it’s around 2009. i see something 2008 and think oh that was just last year. but now it’s going to be 2015!! ack. where has time gone? 😦 move slower, please. or, at least, rush until break and then take as long as you possibly can 🙂

dance

i just saw on facebook trending that they had the 19th season finale of dancing with the stars! when did that happen! i didn’t even know they were up to that high. i stopped watching for a while now, partly because, well, no tv, but mostly because i just lost interest. it was less about the dancing and more about the show. but i guess america really does want the show more than the dancing for it to continue for 19 seasons. i’d rather it be more about the dance but i guess i’m in the minority.

anyway, i saw one of the finalists was alfonso ribeiro and that for one of his dances he did the carlton dance. i remember that dance!! so i looked it up in youtube and watched him launch into the carlton dance, and it brought tears to my eyes. the audience went crazy for his dance! and he was so nice about it, like he knows it’s what people want to see him do and though he doesn’t break it out often, he did for the fans, and they went nuts! even me, who was not really a fresh prince fan, but had seen enough of the show to know about the carlton dance, got all nostalgic. it was great seeing that and i’m glad he can find humor in that and replicate it for the people who were dying to see it. most stars, once they outgrow the character they’ve played while younger, refuse to have anything to do with that character, especially if it pigeon-holed them. like jaleel white–he never overcame urkel, and he seemed so bitter about it. but alfonso said he now has embraced it and realized it was an important role to people out there, and he now feels happy he played that character. i can imagine it is frustrating, but it’s nice to see his fresh attitude on that.

the one thing i hated while watching that clip was seeing the judges. what is SHE doing there? what makes her think she can be a judge? i missed len. yes, he was a stickler, but that’s what made the dances good. he wasn’t being mean; he knows what a proper dance should look like, and he gave tips on what it should contain. but this one, who often turned her nose up at what the judges say, now is a judge? isn’t her brother competing on the show? and her brother’s best friend? yeah, that’s not fair. anyway i didn’t like seeing her as one of the judges. she’s no longer in the limelight and had to get in there, huh. blah. i’m glad i didn’t see this season if she was a judge. i’m happy for my little carlton snippet on youtube, though! 🙂 saved me from watching the whole show with her.

workshop

spent the day at a training and although it was very informative, it made me think about my future in my career. could i really be considered a leader? i don’t think so, but it seems like i have to step up and be one. especially since my group is pretty young and still learning the ropes. this training really forced me to see that maybe i am being selfish. i need to share more so that others can learn. it’s just that i get so irritated because all people do is copy each other. when i first started out, i didn’t copy! i had to learn on my own. and i guess i feel a sort of resentment because of that. today’s kids have it so easy, you know? they have all this information at the snap of their fingers. when i was younger one really had to rely on creativity. it’s so different now.

anyway this one focused a lot on the leadership aspect, and it got me thinking if i could be one. what’s going to happen when the current coaches at my workplace retire–will i be able to step in their shoes and lead? i don’t think i could. what i move to another workplace–could i step up and be a leader there? i don’t know. it’s something that’s really making me think this whole thing through. i kinda would like to be a leader, but i just don’t have the confidence to do that.

family

things have been kinda weird in the family. one person is kinda going through a hard time right now but is pretending that everything is okay to the family, so it’s obvious she doesn’t want us to know what’s going on. and none of us want to pry. instead we just give her a lot of space. and she’s never around anyway, she’s always with her friends. but it’s kinda spread over to the rest of the family. my mom is always over at my other sister’s house, and because her husband makes me uncomfortable, i rarely go over. so i never see my mom any more, because she’s never at her home. it’s weird at home, too…very, very awkward. i don’t know. now we aren’t even going to go the family’s for thanksgiving. it’s weird. i can feel us all going our separate ways, and for me being such a family person, it’s really hard. i used to think about maybe moving to another island, but i could have never left my mom but now i wonder…i don’t see her that much any more. would it matter if i was on another island? but at the same time i feel like i need to see my mom more. our time is very limited, and i don’t want to be filled with regrets. so it’s a weird balance. i don’t know. i kinda wish everything was back the way it was a few years ago. i was younger, more healthier, and our family was still together. everything is so different now, and not for the better. i hope things turn around soon.

sadness

i don’t know what’s going on but the case of the blues just descended upon me and i can’t seem to shake it, no matter how i distract myself. i just keep thinking about the end. and i don’t know why. i don’t feel especially nearing-the-end as i usually am feeling. but for some reason i can’t stop thinking about it, and it brings tears to my eyes. then i quickly try to think of something else but after a few more minutes it creeps back in. i can see how elderly people sometimes go a little crazy–i can only imagine this gets worse the older i get. knowing that you have only so little time left in the world is so so sad…*sigh*

reminiscing

i just did a survey on my ex. it’s been almost 20 years, i realized. i wonder how he’s doing. i think i’ve written about this before…just wanting to know what’s up with him. i’m not trying to win him back or anything–i’m just kinda curious to see what he’s up to. did he end up marrying that girl he was in love with? or did he move on? is he back to his bed hopping ways or has he settled down? does he have children? how is he handling midlife crisis? on and on and on…

it’s just weird i can’t find him anywhere. he’s gotta be out there somewhere; he had a pretty big footprint out there in the early ’90s when a lot of people were not on the internet yet…but he just disappeared. i have no idea what happened. i tried to fb message his best friend whom i found but he never answered me. i know he felt a little embarrassed about what happened because he was the one who kinda pushed the two of us together and wanted to see us work but when he ended up treating me like all the others did, i know his friend felt guilty and kinda avoided me after that. so it was kinda sad, i lost two friends then. but…life goes on, right? they come and stay for a while, and then leave. you just gotta keep on going…

it’s unhealthy but i think i’m going to spend the next hour or so just scouring the internet again for him. he’s gotta be somewhere! just to fulfill my curious nature…that’s all.

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