made it

i made it through the day.

i honestly thought i wouldn’t get through the day alive. literally. i’ve been having really bad heart palpitations, and they were so strong this morning that i really thought i was going to keel over and die. i really believed that. i sat there at my desk, about an hour before work was to begin, wondering if i should call in a substitute but knowing full well i wouldn’t be able to get one that late…and then i thought well what would be better? for there to be no substitute or to have my kids see me keel over and die right before them? one of my best friends died in class. when i was in elementary, one of the kindergarten teachers died during class. it’s so scary to think about but i thought about it this morning. i don’t want to do that to my kids. but i can’t get a sub. so…what should i do?

i forged forward, even though i was getting neck and jaw pain (classic heart attack symptoms) and very slight chest pains. my palpitations were super strong, and i hardly talked to save my breath. i kept telling myself to just last another minute…another hour.

i even debated texting my sister and asking her to pick up my son for me because i honestly didn’t think i was going to make it to the end of the day. i kept imagining myself dropping dead. and, of course, all of this just brought me more anxiety which probably caused even worse palpitations…just a vicious circle. 😦

lately though it’s been bad. i’ve been to doctors who told me i have nothing to worry about but seriously how i can NOT worry when these things take my breath away? obviously something is misfiring in there to make the heart beat so erratically. and that can’t be good in the long run?? i even went to my doctor in tears one day, so scared of what was happening. he asked me why i was crying, and all i could muster was, “i’m scared.” after checking me he assured me that my heart was fine. then why doesn’t it feel fine?!?!??!?!

this happened to me a few years ago. i went to the cardiologist and he told me there was nothing wrong with me, even though the holter monitor showed i was having 3000+ skipped beats a day, when the normal person only experiences about 100 or so. yet, he said it was nothing to worry about. how can that be?!??! well, it turned out, months later, and i only found this out because of the pharmacist refusing to sell me my medication, that it was two of my medications reacting with each other. once i changed the medicine, my skipped beats went away. all was well again. but that was so scary, i thought how could my heart and body handle missing 10,000 beats (as it was by the time this was discovered, months later)? i would’ve no doubt died if not for that pharmacist noticing the two had a bad interaction and refusing to sell them both to me.

and now they’re back. only this time, i have no new medications. so it’s not something chemical, as far as i can tell. hormonal? maybe. and i’ve read that women sometimes get palpitations as they head into menopause. i just thought i was years away from that, but who knows…maybe it’s going to hit soon. i’m not as young as i like to think i am. stress? yes, that is very possible. but i get these even on breaks and weekends, when i’m not the least bit stressed. so i don’t know…something is wrong, and i just feel really, really terrible all the time. and i swear, this morning, i really thought that was it. i was suffering a heart attack, and i would die in front of my kids. and i didn’t want that to happen. i still have more time. please?

i’m home now. but the heart palpitations are still so strong. my back pain is still there. the neck/jaw pain eased up a little. but i can’t help but think something is really, really wrong with me, and i have no idea how to make it better. 😦

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