birthday not celebrated

it’s been a kinda sad day. every morning as i get ready for work, i log onto fb and wish friends whose birthdays today is a happy birthday. well, today was the birthday of one of my dearest coworkers who passed away in may after years of fighting breast cancer.

her husband has kept her fb page up, and every now and then someone will post on her page, posting a picture and saying how much they missed her. i love seeing those. she really did touch a lot of people’s hearts; she was a kind, wonderful person, and i really am glad to see how much she was loved. it’s just so sad she’s gone.

i posted on her page telling her how much i missed her and how i couldn’t stop thinking about her today. it’s true. it kinda put a damper on the whole day when fb sent me a reminder that today was her birthday. she should still be here with us, i kept thinking. then it made me think of my other friend who passed away…her birthday is coming up in a month. she was the same age as me, yet she’s already gone. it will be 5 years next february. gosh, how time flies. for the past couple of weeks, whenever i drive past the place where we both worked at, i’ve been getting very teary. i picture her everywhere when i drive past…sometimes i can even “see” her in the passenger seat next to me, grinning. the dream i had of her a month after she passed away with her coming to tell me she was no longer here, but she was doing well…that dream comes back to haunt me at the weirdest times. i don’t know if it’s because at times i feel like i’m not going to survive with the way my heart is acting up. i wonder if she is waiting for me. and that just makes me cry so hard. i miss her, but am not in any rush to go there. i don’t want to go yet.

but they don’t give anyone mercy, do they? she’s gone. my dear, dear coworker whose birthday it is today is gone. i still cry thinking of my grandma, too, but her image has come a few times recently, too. i don’t know what my mind is trying to tell me, but i’m sure it’s freaked out too by the way my heart is all wonky. it’s so sad how this body is breaking down.

i’m not ready yet. please. i know many people are “not ready” but i’m just not wanting this right now. i want to feel better. i want to be around a lot longer. i want to be alive!

i’m not ready to go yet. i’m still here.

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