had a workshop today and saw my buddy from a few years back who had moved back to her hometown on another island. we spent many fridays venting to each other, and she really helped me that year when i felt like no one listened. i always felt somewhat indebted to her for that so even with her goodbye party, i attended that, even though i normally don’t attend those types of things, especially with the people i work with. but, for her, i made an exception and went, and i was glad i did because she cried when she saw me, saying she didn’t think i was coming but was so happy that i did. i really miss her.

a couple of months ago she said she was going to be flying in and wanted to meet up again. she told me not to tell anyone until she knew for sure. a couple of days before that date, a coworker of mine asked if my buddy had texted me about the coming weekend. i pretended i didn’t know what she was talking about since my buddy had said not to tell anyone, but then my coworker said that my buddy had told her she talked to me about going out to dinner on saturday. so i played it off like oh yeah she told me on Facebook (which was true). so she said okay. the day of, i got a text from another coworker saying that my buddy asked her to contact me to see if i could meet up to go to lunch. it was in a couple of hours, but i said okay, because again, i feel like i owe her. plus i wanted to see her again. so i ended up going and had a nice time. she looked really good, really happy and healthy. she had just gotten engaged (her reason for flying in was for her and her fiancé to pick up their rings) and showed off her ring to all of us. there were two other coworkers there–the third couldn’t of that triumvirate couldn’t make it. at first she hadn’t seen me sitting on the side–she went up to the other two and they talked and talked as i sat on the side waiting. then finally she asked with a hint of disappointment in her voice if i couldn’t make it? “you did tell her, right?” she asked. they pointed that i was sitting right there, but off to the side, and she turned around and went AHHH!! hahaha she hadn’t even noticed me there, but her joy at seeing me just made me so happy. she was delighted that i had made it, and that made me feel less like a fifth wheel, as the other two were talking a lot to each other and then there was my buddy and her fiancé, and then there was just me. 😛 my buddy though did her best to always try to include me in the conversations, just like she always had done before. she’s such a nice person.

we left with hugs, and she told us that she would be coming to a workshop in november, so maybe we could all meet up again. oh! we said. we’re going to a workshop in november, too! so we found out we were all at the same workshop, and she said great! we can hang out again! maybe go to dinner afterward? so i said okay. again, i would do anything for her for all she helped me out with through that tough year.

about a week ago, one of those coworkers was talking to me and another (the one of the triumvirate who did not make it that day) about how she and the last of the trio were talking about who they’d like to work with. the one of the trio who was not there had told the other that she would not like to work with me because…well, basically, she called me fat. or old. maybe both. but what she said implied that i would not be a good person to work with because of my old, fat self. i was just a little bit hurt by that remark, and i think the other person picked up on it, chastising the one who told us as “why would you even bother telling us that?” which is true…something like that should be kept to yourself, i think. you can think it, fine, but don’t go blurting it out to the person it’s about when it’s hurtful. you know? so since then i’ve kinda distanced myself from that one coworker. she even came one time to sit by me, and i just totally ignored her. i felt humiliated just to be around her, thinking she’s judging me because of the way i look and my weight. i just felt so much shame that i couldn’t even look her in the eye. it was hard.

so anyway a couple of days ago the blurter stopped by my room while i was talking to someone to say that my buddy was coming in to the workshop and wanted to have dinner, could i make it? so i said sure. then she said that the other one who made the hurtful comment was planning the whole thing and had invited her and the other of their trio–but not me. but the blurter was inviting me because she knows my buddy specifically asked that i be there. now didn’t that make me feel even more special? i wasn’t originally invited, but since my buddy wants me there, then i get to come? *sigh* then she told the person whom i was talking to that oh, you can come, too, if you want. that person politely declined but i was just feeling like…okay, i don’t want to go then. i know i said, “sure,” but that was before i knew who was making the plans for the dinner and how i wasn’t really supposed to be there. i felt kinda hurt again and vowed i wouldn’t go.

but then my buddy fb messages me that she can’t wait to see me and hang out on saturday. *ping* my guilt strings were plucked. i have my pride, i thought. but i couldn’t let down my buddy. argh.

so anyway saw my buddy at the workshop. she came up to tell me hi before she told the others hi. we kinda started to talk at lunch but she was interrupted by someone, and i quietly slunk away. then on the way out of the workshop she tells me you’re coming tonight, right? i don’t really answer and she shakes her finger at me, “6:30!! i’m going to see you there!!” i was about to explain how i was feeling uneasy about the whole thing when the one who made the hurtful comment and failed to invite me to their little get together walked up and started talking to her. so i was like okay whatever, and i left, with my buddy calling out to me, “6:30!”

well. it’s 7:30 now. i’m still at home. i haven’t heard from anyone, not even a “hey where are you?” so i’m guessing i’m not missed at all. that’s fine. but i debated for the longest time. should i just go? she did ask me to be there, even if the rest didn’t want me there. should i just stay home? and let those young ones go out and drink and party like they usually do. i finally decided i’ll just stay at home. besides, my heart started acting up again, even though i hadn’t felt it all day. i don’t know why it’s getting worse at night, but it seems to come on then. maybe that’s just when i notice it. anyway, i haven’t heard anything so i figure, ah. i’m not missed. i do wonder if i’m just being petty and overlysensitive. i probably am. i’ve put my feelings aside for her before, but i don’t know…this one was just too much. it was nice seeing her though earlier today, and i’m happy she’s looking happy and healthy. she’s so young but yet so much more mature than i am. 😛 i have a lot to learn from her.


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