i was actually okay about not going anywhere for thanksgiving. i mean, i was a little sad that i won’t get to see the whole family, but a little part of me was happy that i could just relax at home. my mom was at my sister’s and although my sister did invite us up there, i just feel so out of place with her inlaws, which would have been everyone else there except my mom. they’re just…not very nice people. they are critical of every thing. they don’t like that i’m unmarried with a kid, and that i’m fat. oh gosh that whole family puts so much value on being stick thin and pretty. the pressure all the wives feel to getting back to stick thin after having a baby is so sad. one even had bariatric surgery to help her get really skinny. i could never yield to that kind of pressure! i mean, i probably could use bariatric surgery but i just don’t see why you should mess up your insides like that. mine are probably messed up enough already! but anyway she had the surgery, and now she’s stick thin like everyone else and it just makes me sad. she didn’t have to do that. i didn’t think she was all that big, anyway? geez. but anyway it makes me uncomfortable to be there because they all whisper about how big and ugly i am and how i’m not married and that i have a bastard child. i really don’t like being there with all of them, so i was dreading going up there for thanksgiving when my mom first told me she was going to be with them for thanksgiving. i was more encouraged when my son said he didn’t really care to go there, either, because he feels out of place. that’s fine, i thought. we’d have thanksgiving by ourselves. my other sister is probably off at her new friends’ houses, and my mom was with my sister and her family, so i was fine with being by myself.
yesterday we went to a chinese take-out place and i on purpose ordered extra–that would be our thanksgiving dinner, leftover chinese food! my son actually wanted a rotisserie chicken, but he likes it fresh out of the oven, and costco is closed on thanksgiving. i didn’t want to roast one, either. so we were just going to have our chinese food, and that was enough.
the rest of the day was fine–i just lounged about and enjoyed the day off. then for dinner, my son brought out all the take-out containers and put it between us, and we ate and talked. it was nice.
but then, i was just overcome with intense sadness. it was just so bad. is this what i’m subjecting my son to? this is probably why he’s not very social. am i robbing him of family ties? would my mom be upset? just where is my other sister? and for that matter, where is her husband? is he out there on the streets, all alone on thanksgiving? what has happened to our family?? and i just became so overcome with these dreary thoughts that i could no longer eat. i put down my fork and just leaned back and tried desperately to forget all those thoughts by engaging my son in talk. but even as he was talking, i could feel my mind wandering into the sad territory, and i just was so upset. holidays are supposed to be a time for family. we were a close family. then my dad left, and, well, in some ways, we all got closer. we all rallied around my mom and supported her and we just hung out all the time and were always together. for years it was us, strong and supportive. we would always go see my grandma and had family holiday get togethers at my grandma’s house, and it was okay that my dad was no longer there. we still had each other. then a couple of years ago, my grandma passed away. last year we still met at my aunty’s house, whom my grandma was with in her last years, but it did feel empty. i could feel that the family has grown apart. i guess…all the kids are now older with kids of their own…and those kids are getting older. why, my nephew is in college already! my cousins’ kids are all in their teens, and i don’t know…we’re just all getting older and growing apart. we had the common bond of watching our kids all play together, but now they’re older and don’t want to play, and we just sit there and…i don’t know. i guess my grandma really was the glue of our family. and now that she has gone, the family just felt empty. it was almost like we weren’t even all related–just strangers sitting in a room, no one really talking, no one really bonding. it was kinda sad. and now this year…nothing. no get together at all. kinda sad. 😦 and then this past year, with the things going on with my sister, it’s like she’s gone, too. my dad, my grandma, my sister…our family is splitting up and although i could get over the first one (well, it’s been quite a few years since my dad left…i suppose in those early years, it was just as hard…), getting over my grandma being gone has been difficult, and then with my sister always gone and not around for family things…not even her own nieces’ birthday parties…it’s just weird. we used to be really close, but i no longer know her any more. i really feel like my family is just me and my son, sometimes. and i guess it just really hit me then while we were having our dinner. it really is just me and him. i just couldn’t eat any more. i covered up all the containers and put them away, and then came into my room, my son going to his. and i lay there in bed for a while, just thinking.
about 10 minutes later, my mom texted me asking where we were. i told her i wasn’t feeling too well. she asked if it was my heart again, and in a way, it was. i just told her i didn’t have an appetite and was feeling rundown. she said aww and that she misses us. then she said to rest up and take care. for some reason, that made me feel a whole lot better. i got out of bed and went to the icebox, getting out one of the containers. i ate a couple pieces of chicken before putting it back. then i stopped by my son’s room, and i helped him recite his psalms and we sang a few songs from his school, my alma mater, the thing that connects us, and we laughed at some of our misremembering of words. then i came back to my room, feeling better.
until i wrote all of this, then the sadness came back. blah. hahaha.
but otherwise it was a nice, peaceful thanksgiving without a lot of cruel whisperings or ostracizing. not a lot of food, but, hey. we were fine. 🙂 we will survive. in a much kinder, peacefuller environment. 😀 that’s something to be thankful for. 🙂