sadness

i don’t know what’s going on but the case of the blues just descended upon me and i can’t seem to shake it, no matter how i distract myself. i just keep thinking about the end. and i don’t know why. i don’t feel especially nearing-the-end as i usually am feeling. but for some reason i can’t stop thinking about it, and it brings tears to my eyes. then i quickly try to think of something else but after a few more minutes it creeps back in. i can see how elderly people sometimes go a little crazy–i can only imagine this gets worse the older i get. knowing that you have only so little time left in the world is so so sad…*sigh*

reminiscing

i just did a survey on my ex. it’s been almost 20 years, i realized. i wonder how he’s doing. i think i’ve written about this before…just wanting to know what’s up with him. i’m not trying to win him back or anything–i’m just kinda curious to see what he’s up to. did he end up marrying that girl he was in love with? or did he move on? is he back to his bed hopping ways or has he settled down? does he have children? how is he handling midlife crisis? on and on and on…

it’s just weird i can’t find him anywhere. he’s gotta be out there somewhere; he had a pretty big footprint out there in the early ’90s when a lot of people were not on the internet yet…but he just disappeared. i have no idea what happened. i tried to fb message his best friend whom i found but he never answered me. i know he felt a little embarrassed about what happened because he was the one who kinda pushed the two of us together and wanted to see us work but when he ended up treating me like all the others did, i know his friend felt guilty and kinda avoided me after that. so it was kinda sad, i lost two friends then. but…life goes on, right? they come and stay for a while, and then leave. you just gotta keep on going…

it’s unhealthy but i think i’m going to spend the next hour or so just scouring the internet again for him. he’s gotta be somewhere! just to fulfill my curious nature…that’s all.

slow

for some reason wp on my laptop is very very slow. I’ve been waiting for over 15 minutes and progress bar for loading is only a quarter of the way done. strange. so anyway gotta do this on the phone. which means no long thing thank goodness.

a hoot

tried kahoot with the kids, and it turned out to really involve the kids. i didn’t check their scores yet, but i’m thinking what a great way to motivate them to do their assessments! 🙂

then i came home early, avoiding the drama at the workplace. i decided i didn’t want to stay late for any more meetings after they made me an hour and a half late picking up my son last week. so i dug out and came home and spent the afternoon playing kahoot with my son after telling him about my day and he wanted to try. it was a nice bonding time. i need more of these. 🙂

health

is this what it’s like to be older? always worrying about your health? i guess i’m hearing so many stories lately of people having cancer, and it makes me so sad to think about, knowing that you have a disease that has no cure yet. and i guess with my health the way it is now, i can’t help but think that i’m slowly building these things up in me. my dad was the same way when i was younger, so i’m wondering if it’s just a midlife crisis sort of thing? or is it genetics?

since my last scare, things have been weird. first of all, there’s this heartbeat thing. then there’s the lack of monthly visits. i can’t be heading towards menopause at this age, can i?? but as i’m reading up on this, that could be an explanation for the heartbeat thing. but then i also think that what if it’s cancer that’s causing this? i mean, i did get a surgery to clear the area out earlier this year but what if it came back? the person i was talking to whose daughter went through this, hers came back! i don’t know…i’m kinda scared. on one hand, i want to know as there could be a greater chance to deal with it the earlier it’s caught but at the same time i don’t want to stress out again like i did earlier. that’s not good, either.

or i wonder if it’s the stress? i seriously don’t feel very stressed but maybe all this health things on my mind is what’s causing me stress? i wish i could just relax and see. it’s hard to though when you realize how mortal you really are. not that i thought i was immortal when i was younger, but it just seemed a long, long way away. now it feels like it could just be around the corner. scary.

oh and i burned my finger. ouch.

more power

the people i work with are nuts. they have become drunk with power. they are forcing us to do ridiculous things, and it’s these things that make me refuse to be a part of them. i don’t know if it’s because i’m a rebel or what, but if you *force* me to do something, i’m not going to do it. rather, if you had just let me be, i’d have done it. but if you are going to push it upon me, i’m not going to look to you nicely at all. i didn’t go to our meeting this afternoon because of it. i don’t want to go to wednesday’s one, either. i just want them all to leave me alone.

the thing is, our leader last year did the exact same thing as this year’s one is doing, and yet last year, the would-be leader balked at the idea and refused to do it as well. but now she’s in power, and she’s doing the exact same thing!!! why?!??! is this what power does to you?

then she also said something kinda hurtful. she’s said a number of hurtful things, totally without meaning to, i think…or unless she was being passively aggressive…i don’t know…but she’s said a number of hurtful things the past month or so, and today’s one was about a person i really respect and trust. now to hear that this person is saying things about me behind my back really, really hurt. i don’t know. i was thinking maybe a change next year, but now i’m thinking a whole new different *place* next year. i don’t want to be here. they are driving me crazy. i just want to retreat and be left alone. please?

happier

all right. i talked about being miffed a couple of weeks ago. since i had to venture into town anyway, i thought i’d try and get it changed anyway. no harm in trying, right?

well, guess what!!! they did exchange it for me! they were like, oh, no problem. when i let them know that it has been past the 14 day period, they said it’s fine. WOW! and to top it all off, the person helping me, when finding out i am a teacher, asked me what school i worked at. then he hooked me through that school’s account, so when they exchanged my battery, i actually got a discount!!! which will be credited back to me!!! i was like WOWOWWOWOWOW seriously? here i was all this time moping around because i have this $130 brick on my desk that i can’t use, and now they actually took it back and exchanged for the right one, and on top of that, i got a discount!!!

i can’t say how much i love this store now! 😀 yay! i tweeted and fbed about it and everything!!! soooo happy they trusted me and did the exchange for my stupid mistake! YAY!!!

weirdness

I don’t know. I thought I was feeling better this morning. no pounding skipped beats. I just felt normal for once. then all of a sudden a feeling of doom set in. I just kept thinking of death, but I have no idea what brought that on. It just hit me.

I had to rush off to the post office before it closed but once back I was very tired. I ate my lunch and was falling asleep. after a few quick naps all of a sudden the pounding came back, and quite frequently. I couldn’t understand what I had done. ugh.

so all night I’ve just been in bed trying to distract myself. it’s hard though! ugh.

and the other weird thing is that after some nice cool nights–it was so hot!! I’ve actually got the ac on right now late at night because poor pets were hot. what happened?? feels like I was transported back 1 month with the hot hot nights and bad skipped beats. what is going on? sigh. so weird.

power

i must not like people in authority. i can get along well with people and then they become a person in power and all of a sudden they are incredibly irritating to me. is it jealousy? or is it rebelling against authority? i have no idea. but it gets so annoying the way people act. i don’t want to have anything to do with them. ugh.

and i feel so bad. i didn’t speak up that i needed to leave and ended up leaving my son waiting for me in the dark for 1 and a half hours. 😦 i picked him up, and he was crying. because what could he do? he knows i’ve been suffering from health things, so it’s no wonder that he thought something happened to me. but then what could he do? he didn’t have the keys for home. he didn’t have his phone. what would he have done? i can just imagine all the things he was worrying about. 😦 just awful. 😦 i couldn’t stop apologizing. i’m such a bad mom. 😦

prepping

because my son scored high on the math portion of his standardized test and had no grade below a- this past quarter, he was invited to join a prep program that centered around some of the things he’s interested in. i went to the informational meeting tonight and was impressed with the program but the suspicious part of me is getting the best of me when i keep thinking yes but how? why?

i don’t know. i suppose all moms think that way? well, no, that’s not true. just worried, single moms with only one child, i think. i wasn’t the only one who was kinda anxious about it but i knew the other one who *was* expressing her concerns was also single and with only one child. that might make us extra-protective. but, at the same time, you don’t want to rob your child of fantastic opportunities. on the other hand, maybe he doesn’t want this…maybe it doesn’t interest him and he’d rather not, and it’s just me forcing my own dreams upon him. i don’t want that either. it’s difficult.

i guess i’ll just have to try. he has to be accepted, first. and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. we may never even have to worry about it if he doesn’t get accepted, so why not wait about the worrying until we find out, either way? i guess.

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