nā manaʻo ulu wale

aww. i missed nablopomo this year. 😦 iʻd been pretty consistent since 2007ish, and now i blew it. darn.

totally forgot it was november. i came here to search to see if i had written about a song before, and in my searching, i saw nablopomo entries and went ahhh! november is almost over! wah. 😦

hopefully next year but itʻs really going to bug me to have a break in service. sigh.

i guess the last time i wrote in this thing, aside from nablopomo, was for bad news. it occurred to me that i only really write in this when there’s bad news. i guess because writing it out helps a bit? of course i could totally write about good news, as well, as a sort of celebration of sorts. but i guess i’m not that kind of person. haha.

but let’s try. the last thing i wrote about, before nablopomo, was the cancer scare i went through. i had just found out that i needed to get a biopsy done on a mass that was caught on a routine mammogram. i went to a deep, dark place that i haven’t really fully gotten out of. i could be driving home when all of a sudden it’ll strike me that i could be dying and i start crying. i’ll be laying in bed, drifting off to sleep when i’m suddenly thinking wait, what happens if…? and then i try desperately to distract myself by playing a game on my phone (no netflix any more, boo!). it’s not as bad as it was, but i’ve never fully recovered from it.

well, about 2 weeks later, i get the call. i knew i was getting the call around that time, but since i started work that week, i told myself i wouldn’t answer it and just get the message later, after work, otherwise i’ll start crying and won’t be able to finish my day. but when the call actually came in, mid-morning…i looked at it, ringing and thought just let it ring…let it ring…but my wanting-to-know-right-away-edness couldn’t take it and i picked up my phone, took a deep breath, and answered it. my doctor came right out and said it was benign and she gave me the name of what it was, and that i’d have to go back in 6 months to monitor it, to make sure it’s not growing. i thanked her, hung up, and cried, even though it wasn’t for the reason i thought it’d be. it was just such a big relief! my son was actually with me–he helps me set up the room since i’m such a weakling–and he asked who it was and i could barely croak out it was the doctor (i had turned my back from him when i answered the call so he couldn’t see my reaction)–it’s not cancer. then i had to calm myself down because i didn’t want anyone to walk in and see me and ask what’s going on. so i calmed down, and then thought i better text my mom because she was anxiously waiting the results, too. so i texted her, and as i did, all my tears came flooding back. her excited response of relief just made me cry all over again. i was still in the corner of my room, back facing my son, pretending to put books on the shelf. haha! i had to calm myself back down again and think good things.

when i got home, i looked up the name the doctor gave me online, and to my dismay, it said it was cancerous. i was confused. she did tell me it wasn’t, right? she did tell me that i would need to get checked again in 6 months…if it had been, surely i wouldn’t have to wait 6 months now, would i? i looked up other names and found a name that was similar that meant it was benign, so i wasn’t sure if i heard wrong, or if she told me the wrong thing. so it did still kinda hang over my head a bit. and i was told by the hospital staff as well as through my internet searches, that i’m at a high risk for actually developing it later on. so it’s something that still bothers me, that still kinda sends me to dark places. it’s scary. i don’t like being old. i want to go back to my 20s and 30s when these things seemed so far ahead in the future.

anyway…on monday, i had my 6 month followup. i got the reminder card in late december, so i called to have an appointment made while i was still on vacation so i wouldn’t have to take sick leave. however, they were all booked. i did have a sub lined up for today, the 21st, due to a workshop i thought i was attending, but then found out it was more for new teachers. i decided to keep the sub anyway and just take a day break. 🙂 yes, i had just gotten off 3 weeks of break, but hey. i thought it would be nice. so i asked if i could make the appointment for the 21st, since i had the sub anyway. the receptionist told me okay, but then said that they were open on the 19th, as well, which was a holiday for most people. so i thought, oh, okay, i’ll take that day. then if i have to come back for further testing, i can go on the 21st. so i had my appointment for the 19th. i went nice and early. they were so good in giving me a nice, very warm robe–i guess they know it’s been chilly lately so the nice, warm robe felt sooo lovely. then they took me in and prepped me for the ultrasound. the technician was chatty and smiling, but a different one from the one before. she explained to me the whole procedure and then had me lie down while she prepped the area. when she finally started the procedure, she stopped talking and just did her measurements and stuff and i started to panic. why isn’t she talking? that’s how the other one was, and then it was something i needed to do a biopsy on. what’s going on? i looked at the screen, and saw it. it was no longer a perfectly gray oval, but it looked more like a gumdrop shape, with the bottom end a bit more wider than the top half–the top half looked a bit deflated. thank goodness i didn’t have a heart monitor on or they would’ve seen my heartbeat rise. how come it looks different? it’s growing?? i remember people online saying irregular edges could mean cancer. ugh! then she finished, wiped me up, and had me get up. she offered me a snack and a hot blanket to keep me warm. she said the doctor would review all the pictures she took and my previous mammograms, and then tell me the results. then she said that it looks good, in fact, it shrunk a bit. my heart skipped a beat. i didn’t think the misshapen thing would mean it shrunk, i thought it meant it grew. i walked back out into the waiting room, encased in the hot blanket they gave me, and waited torturous minutes for the doctor to call me in. i looked around at the other patients around me. i knew that this side of the hospital was for the ones with abnormalities–if you were fine or just doing your routine one, it’s on the opposite end. all of a sudden i felt so much empathy. a couple of them looked nervous, flipping through magazine pages quickly. one had her head buried in her hands on her lap. one talked on her phone like nothing. one just sat there, staring straight ahead. i knew what was going through all their minds. i know the scary thoughts they must be thinking. and here i was, with potentially good news…it just made me feel so bad. tears started forming in my eyes as i began to think how i was there 6 months ago, scared as heck, wondering what’s going on with my body. some of them were older than me, but some looked younger. i thought how awful it must be to be faced with that when you’re in your 20s, 30s? i mean, in my 20s & 30s, i rarely thought about dying, thinking it was a long way off. once i hit my late 30s and into the 40s, it’s all i thought about. can you imagine being young and realizing that your life may soon be ending? ugh. it was all i could do to keep from crying again. i started singing songs in my head, thinking of good, happy things, and trying hard not to look at the other patients there and see the worry in their eyes. i’ve never been a good consoler. i realize that’s probably what they want, but i’m not good at that.

finally, the chirpy technician called my name, and i walked in, but she stopped me at the door. she closed the door and i thought oh oh. she doesn’t want me to sit in the room? the doctor isn’t going to talk to me? oh gosh, what’s going on? instead she said the doctor reviewed everything, and i’m fine. i can go home. they’ll see me for my regular annual mammogram in july. i thank her, and she has a big smile for me. “enjoy the rest of the day!” she says, and i tell her, “i will!” then she opens the door for me to walk back out into the waiting room, where i’m met with other patients again. gosh could they hear any of that? were they feeling bitter that i had good news and they didn’t? i couldn’t bear to stay there much longer, and i quickly got changed back into my clothes, and left, taking a pretty, pink rose with me. i text my mom (who actually wanted to come with me to the appointment, for moral support) that doctor said i’m okay, it even shrunk a bit, and she texted back her happiness at hearing that, which, of course, made me cry again. phew! i’ve been granted a reprieve. for now.

but as i said earlier, i only write in this thing for the bad news. so, yes, there is still more to the story.

since that mammogram in july, i’ve been experiencing some irregularity with my monthly membership of womanhood, to put it eloquently. i had been very regular for a while, and then in july, it stopped. i didn’t question it–i was going through an emotionally stressful time, and in the past, whenever i’ve had to deal with something really emotional or stressful, i wouldn’t get it. so when i didn’t get it in july, i wasn’t surprised. i cried so much, and i stressed out so much, that it didn’t surprise me that i didn’t get it in july. but then august came and went, and nothing. september came and went and nothing. for the first few days in october, i did get it, but it looked different–there was something off about it. but i was just so happy to have it again, that i didn’t question it. then november came and went with nothing, again, except for 2 weeks of spotting. then december comes, and on my first day of winter break…i get it. wow, i think. was it because i was so stressed? and now on the first day of break, my body is relaxed enough that i get it? i was surprised. i didn’t think i was that stressed. i certainly didn’t feel that stressed. it was weird. so i get a normal one, and then, 4 days later, i get another one. what?? at around this time, i notice that something is not quite right. i thought it was the depression of the holidays, but there was something weird. i no longer felt hungry. i had to force myself to eat because i know i have to eat something. but after a few bites, i feel so stuffed. and i just didn’t feel…well. something was going on. but i chalked it up to being depressed at the holidays.

well anyway the second one started and it was like a normal one as well, which is weird. i mean, i know i hadn’t had it in a long time so maybe there is a bunch of stuff that needs to be shed, but instead of one long one (which i’ve had in the past when i’ve skipped months), it was like it was 2 separate ones. and then i’ve been spotting ever since. not to mention, i have a slight, dull ache on my right side. geez.

then there’s stupid Facebook with its sponsored posts. one of them was about making sure you don’t ignore these signs of cancer. i’ve seen it for a while, but i’ve put off looking at it because i don’t want to hypochondriac myself into feeling those symptoms. but on monday since i’m thinking well, i’m in the clear for now, i clicked on it. i read it. my heart dropped. out of the 10 signs they had listed, i had 6 of them. the feeling full, a symptom i never had before, was one of them. the bloating, the dull ache, the irregular bleeding, the fatigue, the heartburn/indigestion when i did eat…they were all there. i didn’t have the other 4 only because they related to other cancers (lung, skin, etc.) or because it involved things that i didn’t do. so there went my mind again! on tuesday (yesterday) when i realized i was bleeding again, a bit more than the spotting, i decided to call the doctor and make an appointment. i was apprehensive about going to her as she really doesn’t seem to care…but i figure, well, they are sending her my ultrasound results, so maybe i can find out about that, too. and i made the appointment for wednesday, today, when i already had a sub lined up for this day.

before all of this, i had my day planned. i would put a curry in the crockpot. i would do the laundry. i would work on a video. i would make some learning games. i would spend a nice leisurely day doing work-related stuff while being able to lounge around at home, spend time with my bunny, and play iPhone games. i thought it would be great.

but today was different. i tried not to think about all those things and when i did, i told myself, well, you’re going to be checked. you can get treated for it. it’ll be okay. still, i went to sleep very early tuesday night. i woke up wednesday morning, took my son to the bus stop, put the laundry in the washer, and started my curry, almost in robotic mode. i was trying so hard not to think of morbid things.

i drove to the doctor in silence. no music. i just needed to collect my thoughts. plus, the traffic was bugging me big time. ugh.

doctor sees me pretty quickly (usually i have to wait so long) and when hearing my symptoms, tells me her plan–the first step is a biopsy. yes. another one. if that comes back negative, she says, then she’ll schedule an ultrasound to check for polyps or anything else that can be causing this pain. i wanted to ask her, is it another cyst, like i had last year? i guess that’s what i was hoping. but then i heard in my head her voice (somewhat sassy) saying, well, that wouldn’t be causing the bleeding, now, would it? and she did cut me open last year and had a look inside and said it all looked fine. could it have cropped up again in 10 months? she did do a quick check, but it was like barely a minute. 😦 she also put a speculum in to see which hurt *so*bad*. which would alarm me there, but then again, she’s never put it in correctly where it didn’t hurt, like my other one did. and she didn’t say anything. i hadn’t had a pap smear done in a couple of years–i was due this year for it, but that won’t be until july. and i never had an abnormal one, so she wasn’t worried about that. but yeah. that’s the first step. another biopsy. *sigh*

and this time i can’t help but think it probably is something bad. i mean, i had the feeling-full symptom even before i knew it was a symptom, so it wasn’t like my body was influenced by that. i again texted my mom the news, and she again was worried for me. i get it done monday, but i don’t get the results for another 2 weeks. it’s going to be a loooong 3 weeks waiting to hear from her. *sigh*

and, really, is it okay to wait that long?? i mean, when i had my surgery in april, she looked at all those areas–even showed me pictures of them!–and she said they all looked fine and healthy. could something have really arose that quickly where it’s now big enough for me to feel so bloated and not able to eat? will waiting 3 weeks be too long?? what if it takes over my whole body by then? ugh.

anyway, i was sitting here with my bowl of curry. it smells so lovely, but i could only take 2 bites, and i instantly felt sick. i had to put it aside. is this how it’s going to be from now on?? what kind of life is that? i mean, i guess i’ll lose weight (which i’m surprised i didn’t, judging by how little i’ve eaten in the past month or so), but i don’t know that i would like not being able to enjoy my favorites–stew, curry, steak…i mean, wow. not only curse me with a fatal disease, but take away my favorite food as well? this stinks.

so i’m writing about this now. hopefully this was just a stress thing and i’ll be better and it’s not the dreaded ‘c’ word. or maybe it’s something not so fatal, like menopause or something. which, if you ask me, is just as depressing, but at least it’s not fatal. yet.

but it’s really making me think about life decisions. there’s that big thing coming up in march. do i go through with it? is that fair? i don’t think it is. but maybe i’m looking at this the wrong way. maybe i need to. i don’t know. i just really long for the times when all of this seemed far, far away, and not so imminent. i suppose most people think that as they enter the final stages of their lives. if only… *sigh* that’s what my life is filled with now…if onlys.

that, and the cher song. 🙂

it’s over! i’ve done it yet again! 🙂 woohoo! 😀

though i’m a bit sad as i looked all over the blogher site and could not find a badge for the end of nablopomo! 😦

i do these things just for the badge!! it’s a feeling of accomplishment!! 😛

i guess i’ll have to make my own. *sigh*

thank you onlinebadgemaker!

I had been working on the other blogs and updating stuff before shutting down my computer and snuggling into bed … before realizing I didn’t do this one. bah!! I didn’t want to start up everything again so I’m just here on my phone. another busy day and got a bunch of stuff to do for all the gifts this year and now I’m too comfy in bed to do anything else. 😛

spent the day at my sister’s–while she was out with her 2 oldest kids black friday shopping, i went over to help my mom watch the younger kids. my nieces are quite the character. i have one who takes after her family members–she’s always laughing at me and calling me “big fat-fat,” while pounding my tummy. she’s kinda mean. but really, that’s the type of role models she has. and it’s different because when she was young, she hated me! she refused to even look at me, refused to talk to me, and always hid behind my sister’s legs whenever i came into the room. i almost felt bad for walking into the room when she was there, because she would go from a loud, energetic little toddler, to a quiet, shy one, hiding behind my sister. she refused to come out from behind my sister’s legs if i was in the room. and if that didn’t make me feel even more like an ogre, she wouldn’t even try to walk past me. she’d just stay put, so my mom would like it when i came in while she was watching her, because then she would go from rambunctious to timid. yeah, i have that effect on kids.

however, she got over that, and now she always runs to greet me by pounding me on my tummy and yelling, “big fat-fat” and running away laughing. when i walk in, she points and laughs and again reiterates the “fat-fat” thing. sigh.

my other niece, though, is a bit more friendly. she’s really into video games, and she really bonded with my son, even though he thinks of her as a bother who is always following him around. but i think because of the video games, she and i get along much better than me and her sister. but, man, that girl can talk! on and on and on…sometimes i think too that it doesn’t even matter that i’m there…she’s just talking to talk, probably to herself. i mean, i contribute and all, but there are times when she’ll just keep on talking, and not wanting my input. in fact, sometimes, i’ll walk away to get a drink of water or something, and i return, and she’s still sat in the same place, still talking away, as if i had never left. seriously. she cracks me up.

but it was nice to be able to spend time with the family. my son and my mom sat near each other, with him testing out his spanish on her. i was either sitting with my talkative niece, or watching the baby, who loves to dance, so we are always grooving together. my son and i sat together, him showing me his pokédex, and then letting me play zelda on his 3ds. my mom and i enjoyed leftovers for lunch together, talking about work and watching over the girls. it was nice, with just us…something i would not have had yesterday. then later my sister came home and i got to talk a bit with my nephew. my nephew and i were so super close when he was younger, but when he got to the teen years, we kinda drifted apart. he’s now in college, and it was nice to just sit and talk with him a bit. i haven’t done that in a long, long time. my sister and i didn’t get to talk as much–usually we get into work stuff, or we bust out a game and play together, but she seemed tired after the black friday shopping, so we didn’t get to talk as much as usual. turns out she met my other sister at the mall to shop, so it’s nice to know my other sister has been around, even if i hadn’t seen her in ages, either. i still worry about her husband, though. i don’t know where he is, or what he got to do for yesterday, knowing he has no other family here. that made me kinda sad. but otherwise, it was a nice, nice day with my sister’s family and my mom. i think i need more of these in the future to keep my spirits up. or i need some little one around, preferably one that’s kind *side-eye at my niece* to just really keep me distracted from the places my mind goes to. perhaps that is what grandchildren are for. my mom delights in seeing her grandchildren, and i remember my grandma so happy to see us. they must be a worthy distraction when the rest of your life is just thinking about how the end is near. that’s why we need little kids around. i only wish i had more.

i was actually okay about not going anywhere for thanksgiving. i mean, i was a little sad that i won’t get to see the whole family, but a little part of me was happy that i could just relax at home. my mom was at my sister’s and although my sister did invite us up there, i just feel so out of place with her inlaws, which would have been everyone else there except my mom. they’re just…not very nice people. they are critical of every thing. they don’t like that i’m unmarried with a kid, and that i’m fat. oh gosh that whole family puts so much value on being stick thin and pretty. the pressure all the wives feel to getting back to stick thin after having a baby is so sad. one even had bariatric surgery to help her get really skinny. i could never yield to that kind of pressure! i mean, i probably could use bariatric surgery but i just don’t see why you should mess up your insides like that. mine are probably messed up enough already! but anyway she had the surgery, and now she’s stick thin like everyone else and it just makes me sad. she didn’t have to do that. i didn’t think she was all that big, anyway? geez. but anyway it makes me uncomfortable to be there because they all whisper about how big and ugly i am and how i’m not married and that i have a bastard child. i really don’t like being there with all of them, so i was dreading going up there for thanksgiving when my mom first told me she was going to be with them for thanksgiving. i was more encouraged when my son said he didn’t really care to go there, either, because he feels out of place. that’s fine, i thought. we’d have thanksgiving by ourselves. my other sister is probably off at her new friends’ houses, and my mom was with my sister and her family, so i was fine with being by myself.

yesterday we went to a chinese take-out place and i on purpose ordered extra–that would be our thanksgiving dinner, leftover chinese food! my son actually wanted a rotisserie chicken, but he likes it fresh out of the oven, and costco is closed on thanksgiving. i didn’t want to roast one, either. so we were just going to have our chinese food, and that was enough.

the rest of the day was fine–i just lounged about and enjoyed the day off. then for dinner, my son brought out all the take-out containers and put it between us, and we ate and talked. it was nice.

but then, i was just overcome with intense sadness. it was just so bad. is this what i’m subjecting my son to? this is probably why he’s not very social. am i robbing him of family ties? would my mom be upset? just where is my other sister? and for that matter, where is her husband? is he out there on the streets, all alone on thanksgiving? what has happened to our family?? and i just became so overcome with these dreary thoughts that i could no longer eat. i put down my fork and just leaned back and tried desperately to forget all those thoughts by engaging my son in talk. but even as he was talking, i could feel my mind wandering into the sad territory, and i just was so upset. holidays are supposed to be a time for family. we were a close family. then my dad left, and, well, in some ways, we all got closer. we all rallied around my mom and supported her and we just hung out all the time and were always together. for years it was us, strong and supportive. we would always go see my grandma and had family holiday get togethers at my grandma’s house, and it was okay that my dad was no longer there. we still had each other. then a couple of years ago, my grandma passed away. last year we still met at my aunty’s house, whom my grandma was with in her last years, but it did feel empty. i could feel that the family has grown apart. i guess…all the kids are now older with kids of their own…and those kids are getting older. why, my nephew is in college already! my cousins’ kids are all in their teens, and i don’t know…we’re just all getting older and growing apart. we had the common bond of watching our kids all play together, but now they’re older and don’t want to play, and we just sit there and…i don’t know. i guess my grandma really was the glue of our family. and now that she has gone, the family just felt empty. it was almost like we weren’t even all related–just strangers sitting in a room, no one really talking, no one really bonding. it was kinda sad. and now this year…nothing. no get together at all. kinda sad. 😦 and then this past year, with the things going on with my sister, it’s like she’s gone, too. my dad, my grandma, my sister…our family is splitting up and although i could get over the first one (well, it’s been quite a few years since my dad left…i suppose in those early years, it was just as hard…), getting over my grandma being gone has been difficult, and then with my sister always gone and not around for family things…not even her own nieces’ birthday parties…it’s just weird. we used to be really close, but i no longer know her any more. i really feel like my family is just me and my son, sometimes. and i guess it just really hit me then while we were having our dinner. it really is just me and him. i just couldn’t eat any more. i covered up all the containers and put them away, and then came into my room, my son going to his. and i lay there in bed for a while, just thinking.

about 10 minutes later, my mom texted me asking where we were. i told her i wasn’t feeling too well. she asked if it was my heart again, and in a way, it was. i just told her i didn’t have an appetite and was feeling rundown. she said aww and that she misses us. then she said to rest up and take care. for some reason, that made me feel a whole lot better. i got out of bed and went to the icebox, getting out one of the containers. i ate a couple pieces of chicken before putting it back. then i stopped by my son’s room, and i helped him recite his psalms and we sang a few songs from his school, my alma mater, the thing that connects us, and we laughed at some of our misremembering of words. then i came back to my room, feeling better.

until i wrote all of this, then the sadness came back. blah. hahaha.

but otherwise it was a nice, peaceful thanksgiving without a lot of cruel whisperings or ostracizing. not a lot of food, but, hey. we were fine. 🙂 we will survive. in a much kinder, peacefuller environment. 😀 that’s something to be thankful for. 🙂

i am so thankful for the four day weekend 🙂 i can’t wait until break. we get three weeks this year, which is nice. i can’t wait for it but at the same time i wish there was just a little bit more time–so much to do! it’s just moving by so fast. it’s almost 2015! i swear, i still think it’s around 2009. i see something 2008 and think oh that was just last year. but now it’s going to be 2015!! ack. where has time gone? 😦 move slower, please. or, at least, rush until break and then take as long as you possibly can 🙂

i just saw on facebook trending that they had the 19th season finale of dancing with the stars! when did that happen! i didn’t even know they were up to that high. i stopped watching for a while now, partly because, well, no tv, but mostly because i just lost interest. it was less about the dancing and more about the show. but i guess america really does want the show more than the dancing for it to continue for 19 seasons. i’d rather it be more about the dance but i guess i’m in the minority.

anyway, i saw one of the finalists was alfonso ribeiro and that for one of his dances he did the carlton dance. i remember that dance!! so i looked it up in youtube and watched him launch into the carlton dance, and it brought tears to my eyes. the audience went crazy for his dance! and he was so nice about it, like he knows it’s what people want to see him do and though he doesn’t break it out often, he did for the fans, and they went nuts! even me, who was not really a fresh prince fan, but had seen enough of the show to know about the carlton dance, got all nostalgic. it was great seeing that and i’m glad he can find humor in that and replicate it for the people who were dying to see it. most stars, once they outgrow the character they’ve played while younger, refuse to have anything to do with that character, especially if it pigeon-holed them. like jaleel white–he never overcame urkel, and he seemed so bitter about it. but alfonso said he now has embraced it and realized it was an important role to people out there, and he now feels happy he played that character. i can imagine it is frustrating, but it’s nice to see his fresh attitude on that.

the one thing i hated while watching that clip was seeing the judges. what is SHE doing there? what makes her think she can be a judge? i missed len. yes, he was a stickler, but that’s what made the dances good. he wasn’t being mean; he knows what a proper dance should look like, and he gave tips on what it should contain. but this one, who often turned her nose up at what the judges say, now is a judge? isn’t her brother competing on the show? and her brother’s best friend? yeah, that’s not fair. anyway i didn’t like seeing her as one of the judges. she’s no longer in the limelight and had to get in there, huh. blah. i’m glad i didn’t see this season if she was a judge. i’m happy for my little carlton snippet on youtube, though! 🙂 saved me from watching the whole show with her.

spent the day at a training and although it was very informative, it made me think about my future in my career. could i really be considered a leader? i don’t think so, but it seems like i have to step up and be one. especially since my group is pretty young and still learning the ropes. this training really forced me to see that maybe i am being selfish. i need to share more so that others can learn. it’s just that i get so irritated because all people do is copy each other. when i first started out, i didn’t copy! i had to learn on my own. and i guess i feel a sort of resentment because of that. today’s kids have it so easy, you know? they have all this information at the snap of their fingers. when i was younger one really had to rely on creativity. it’s so different now.

anyway this one focused a lot on the leadership aspect, and it got me thinking if i could be one. what’s going to happen when the current coaches at my workplace retire–will i be able to step in their shoes and lead? i don’t think i could. what i move to another workplace–could i step up and be a leader there? i don’t know. it’s something that’s really making me think this whole thing through. i kinda would like to be a leader, but i just don’t have the confidence to do that.

things have been kinda weird in the family. one person is kinda going through a hard time right now but is pretending that everything is okay to the family, so it’s obvious she doesn’t want us to know what’s going on. and none of us want to pry. instead we just give her a lot of space. and she’s never around anyway, she’s always with her friends. but it’s kinda spread over to the rest of the family. my mom is always over at my other sister’s house, and because her husband makes me uncomfortable, i rarely go over. so i never see my mom any more, because she’s never at her home. it’s weird at home, too…very, very awkward. i don’t know. now we aren’t even going to go the family’s for thanksgiving. it’s weird. i can feel us all going our separate ways, and for me being such a family person, it’s really hard. i used to think about maybe moving to another island, but i could have never left my mom but now i wonder…i don’t see her that much any more. would it matter if i was on another island? but at the same time i feel like i need to see my mom more. our time is very limited, and i don’t want to be filled with regrets. so it’s a weird balance. i don’t know. i kinda wish everything was back the way it was a few years ago. i was younger, more healthier, and our family was still together. everything is so different now, and not for the better. i hope things turn around soon.